Sunday, January 30, 2011

this one is about you Too!

To be honest!

I don't know what the fuck you mean to me?!?!??!?!

I see you in every smile, I taste you on my lips, and thought I bathed in you during that last eclipse. Now, I come to find that your running a muck all about my city, and I'm wondering if it's because I bounced. I talked with you before I left, apologized for what I did the months previous, and swore how we'd still write something good about us. Still though, you tear those I hold dearest to me apart, then bring all these unforeseeable's into the equation and I'm left wondering what it all means. I'm thankful for the few budding relationships I see blossoming through out the bitter winter months but I'm just skeptical of your healing powers these days.

Her name, well, it's not important, but she came along only a few weeks after I did. Flashbacks of a task from my past but with way less streets smart then the one previous. Still pretty face, an un-cureable case, and loads of time to waste. So I play the background, I learn about the here and now but time speeds up to a very tragic relapse. I'm left hearing a crash and a bitter laugh. Like I said her name isn't important but her condition should be outlined.

Addiction: Most of us suffer from some sort of this word. She happen to pop pharmE's and recently got out of re-hab for said addiction. I was pleased to sit next to her vulnerabilities and even more pleased to find myself entrusted with them. The weeks wore on though...
...Things became worse for her and like a fast flash of light she used again. I noticed the hope leave her crystal green eyes one day but thought myself brave enough to fan the flames. Instead...She drove herself over the edge. To be fair to that cliff...
...She drank to much, hid from the only person round these parts she said she trusted, and perfected her dismount into a relapse in plain site. I'm inclined to learn that no one can be saved when they are faking fine in plain site. Still though...I won't see her anymore. She's long gone, checked back into treatment, and I'm left with a lot of co-workers asking.

"Hey, do you know where she moved to?"
"Do you know what was going on?"

And I always reply the same...

"Not a clue"

Because I'm left feeling that way, clueless...

You think treatment is going to heal you? It's almost like saying... "I can't fix this myself, I can't trust myself, or those around I must sterilize my environment to overcome the ugly which feeds my fire." What happens when the natural dirt that passes over all of us, starts to once again slowly collect on your existence? Do you rinse, repeat, and find yourself with in the confines of strangers paid to help you acquire your penance? COWARD!!! hahhaha! When I think of all the fun we could have had dismantling, remantiling, and whatever together on n on into forever. Your friend, companion, and confidant I'd gladly of played. No one would have been the wiser, and maybe by spring time you'd of been on your way to California.

However, I'm left thinking...weakness! Loneliness! Desperation! Your seductive allure will not fully fool me. It will however lock me in a room, with a comfy couch, a 1000+ TV channels and oh so many bad movies to choose from. I think I've watched the remake of the Clash of the Titans from start to finish, middle to climax, start to huberace, and final battle scene to credits more then I ever care to know. I sit miles away from the conflict at hand but still feel a sad sinking in my chest...I feel a burden...a if I would have just manned the fuck up none of this would have happened.

To those involved...
...In all that your feeling! I'm sorry! Just so you know, hating those that have replaced you won't make it any better. Blaming yourself for not fessing up to it all sooner won't make it any easier. Demanding resolutions that are unobtainable to even the most rationale of human hearts will only further cement you into a world of hopelessness. I think, well, I've been taught that if you love someone, the most you can hope for is that they will ultimately be happy and find exactly what they are looking for.

Easier said then done...

Some of us just give up on hoping a person will get it together. Others are never really capable of being honest with the ones we love most. Then again some of us suffer from never truly being able to be honest with ourselves. The manic mad man typing away at these keys suffers from all of these and I urge you to seize your paranoia and let them beez :D Make amends where n when you can and just realize ultimately you have control over one vessel on this journey. The choices of others, the actions that snowball and smash into your happy have little control over all that. However, how we react to said actions, well I believe thats what writes the pages of our legacies.

So it wouldn't be a complete thrashing of all things love if I didn't look at my own life. Alone! I've done this to myself...yet again, but this's trickier then all times previous. I watch from a far at the one I so fondly had high hopes for and see her growing in all the ways I'd of wished when we were "we". It's the stabbing comical irony of it all...I'm just happy to see the imprint I've left on her life. However, as I curl up, under sheets of delusion, kissing possible princesses, and what could be I'm bound to my hinsite. The master narrative writes on and I move off of faith these days. Like one day "August and Everything" will make some sense and I will be in the service of the queen. That is not to say those that were nice enough to come before her weren't royalty. Just ya know, that one, that gets you, from the start, and actually takes the time to put in the effort. I hate dropping them, even more so I hate putting them back together, but what the fuck are friends for.

Someone, who doesn't think to highly of me called me delusional but in the same breath is plagued by my very existence. I find this to be hilariously paradoxical...
...If I'm so crazy, so far off base, and abstract. Then how on earth could I ever affect your life in some form or another. Silly me, slipping around, ear buds wedged in, playing a folder full of music from someone other then myself, and all the while thinking about the health of others. I guess in my stumbling childishness I forgot to kiss the rings of those unfit to wear them.

In a long, crazy round about way, I'd like to say...


It's makes us and as a young hostess at my work learned this past week it governs all we do. To me, it's GOD, and it's what we continually reach for. The coldest of hearts are warmed by it and the purest pump it freely into their surroundings. Maybe we don't express it the same way and maybe people come along in our lives that make us question if we're expressing it properly at all. I just urge every single person I come in contact with to share themselves fully and honestly. Ya know! Cut down on the whose who and get down to brass tax. That way we don't end up wasting the precious seconds that drip from our hearts. Sappy! O.k. but know this...I've sacrificed more then I care to reveal for those for little letters and knowing me I'll do it all over again. I just hope every single one of you does the same...starting with yourself!