"I just want to make sure all my loved ones are as happy as they can be. I want to know they are enjoying life to the fullest potential."
This is what I get slapped with on Easter by one of the more influential people in my life. The whole time I'm finding places to stash my tongue and not be over run with the urge to just shout out how I really feel. A lovely women who has survived the trials of life, love, and the trials of a full life. Still I have to stomach this banter and hope it ends quickly.
I do my best to say things like...
"I am happy"
"I'm doing a lot of things with my life. Actually doing a lot more then I ever thought possible."
You know how family is though...right?
It's like they have this set idea of what a normal happy life is. They figured it all out and just want you to fall into some rhythmic state that mirrors their picture perfect existence. Where I become enraged is right around the time that they casually forget about all that beautiful suffering they first had to endure to find their happy ending. I don't know much, I often place myself a few shelves above simpleton, but I do know that life is best lived.
Seriously though...
A few years back I was peddling at a weak speed through the pond of life and felt I wasn't doing alright. Now I find myself on the brink of 29 feeling very fine, like my life line is finally galloping into it's prime, and I'm getting closer to where I might find peace of mind. Sure, for some of you reading this, it's so simple, you just push on and what will be will be. Sad to say I get caught up a lot in the inner workings of my thoughts and whats worse is the inner workings of others thoughts. Still though...I get the feeling like I've got a steady hand on what I'm shuffling and the odds are irrelevant.
So the rest of the family show goes...
Delicious food!
Unsuspecting B-day cake from my amazing loved ones
and a batch of delicious cheese cake!
It's all a bit to late though, I'm already picturing myself bleeding this bottle of Seagram's, watching the Hawks force a game 7 when the rest of the world (including myself) quite on them, and talking to a saucy cubana that knows no limits of my dementia. So hugs are given, kisses pecked, and my pops and I cruise back to his family nest.
Still this clutching at my being!
There is a lot of unknown on the horizon but I'm coming to grips with a whole lot. For starters, yes, I'm a lunatic, who sometimes doesn't think before he speaks, and even worse acts. I'm sorry for the madness and sadness that I've spread. I'm also sorry for the many amazing people I've offended over these past two years. I'll wait patiently for a chance at redemption and if one doesn't present it's self I'll just push on hoping all goes well in their lives. I've come up close and personal with the filthy being that I ultimately dread being. The question now becomes what I will do to stop it from depleting from my happy meanings?!?! I wretched, listen to synthesized publications of smarter men, and hope to one day fully make amends! Till then I twiddle my fingers, work on where Chaplin once left off, and curb the lower base urges of my weaker self.
You see...wait...you don't?
Life is about expression!!!
Yep! All about figuring out how to express the way you feel! All about figuring out how to express the way you wish the world was! Most importantly it's all about bending the world to think in a manner which most suits your taste! We are all fumbling, tumbling, around on this blue pearl and I can't say anyone is more right then the next. I just know over the years what has lead me to feel a bit more secure in the man I'm becoming.
These next few months will require all my cunning and more patience then I've ever known. If you don't know...I trust in few things outside of love...
...soooooo....I'm thinking that it will steer me clear of the wreckage, it will restore my many blessings, and will ultimately shape me into the man I've always hoped to be.
Grandma!!!!
I'm happy right now!!!
I have some of the most amazing friends, we shape the future of our dance, and have a million inside jokes few would understand. I've battled with love and have come back from the worst I've done to myself. I've gained greater insight then I could have ever imagined from living with my father. I'm greeted day after day with fresh new ideas, music, and choices. The world at 28 (soon to be 29) is still a wonderous puzzle to me. I'm going to say I'm happy right now and will be for an extremely long time. You see, "what is the what" is not just an amazing book, it's not just a deep probing question with unlimited answers, it's how I feel about the world is as now! I am the what and I'm so thankful for your love.
Greetings!!!
Fren's
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
3 words
Tatted on the back of her kneck
three words
I'll leave it to your imagination what three
Last I'd seen my hands were around her wind pipe
Stopping life using my frustration as a motive
Back of the neck
Thats a fine place to put a warning
Dominoes tumble tactfully to place me as the fool
like I knew the rules but still pursued with all my charms
No mark
No maker
& speaking like I'm carrying round a 30 days sober coin
She slithered into my world with out a worry
we lept into madness like it was a sincere gesture
Even though all the while those three words crept around
Like a specter
Could of been the trappings of irony
But I'm a cold hard product of me
meaning
I waited, whistled, waited to see
if the uinverse might fetch me my divine comedy
So as the world spun & is still spins
Her & I played with razor blades
danced in & out of revolving doors
Comfort came went but ya know rarely really would it come
All because of those 3 words
Any guess
I've sifted through my side stabbing remarks & suggestions to slowly find
Solace in my mistakes
As I remember wrenching squeezing twisting my fate
Only all the late to see those words inked out of plain site
three words
I'll leave it to your imagination what three
Last I'd seen my hands were around her wind pipe
Stopping life using my frustration as a motive
Back of the neck
Thats a fine place to put a warning
Dominoes tumble tactfully to place me as the fool
like I knew the rules but still pursued with all my charms
No mark
No maker
& speaking like I'm carrying round a 30 days sober coin
She slithered into my world with out a worry
we lept into madness like it was a sincere gesture
Even though all the while those three words crept around
Like a specter
Could of been the trappings of irony
But I'm a cold hard product of me
meaning
I waited, whistled, waited to see
if the uinverse might fetch me my divine comedy
So as the world spun & is still spins
Her & I played with razor blades
danced in & out of revolving doors
Comfort came went but ya know rarely really would it come
All because of those 3 words
Any guess
I've sifted through my side stabbing remarks & suggestions to slowly find
Solace in my mistakes
As I remember wrenching squeezing twisting my fate
Only all the late to see those words inked out of plain site
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
What Dreams May Come
I just awoke from what was argueably the most powerful dream I've ever had. I was thrown into a fully interactive movie, that had to deal with some of the largest demons I've been facing, and it was so deliciously surreal.
Like most dreams I didn't know how or why I was where I was but I ended up going through the motions. I knew I was in a university of some type and I was standing before a bushy old man. I started asking him about a place to live. He told me that he had a really nice apartment that he never rents to anyone. As he described the residence it sounded like everything I was looking for, the price was right to, and I asked what it would take to sway him. He told me nothing and I shouldn't even bother to try. Then suddenly he was rushing me out the door, I complied, because I knew that I was going to be breaking back into the class room as soon as he left, and sure enough I did.
Once in there I began looking for something. It took a little while but in a cabinet I found capsuls of DMT. I ended up injesting one of them and was instantly blasted into a beautiful technicolor of wonder. Demons came to life and danced with angels. I found some DVD about entheogens in his desk and put it onto watch. Time melted away, I came out of the DMT experience (or so I thought), and heard people coming to the class room. Feeling all goldie locks like (the D&B producer(not the little girl(wait a combo of both))) I instantly scramble round the class. Cleaning up after myself, attempting to create an alibi, and generally just freaking out. The professor comes in the room, looking younger for some reason, still carrying a wily mystique about him, and he instantly locks eyes with me. Asks what I'm doing here and I quickly respond to disway you further about letting me rent that apartment. He chuckles loudly, two friends (collegues) come into the classroom, and we all start mixing. Talking about this, that, me extremely nervous as if in any second I'll be had, but some long time goes by without any mention of alternative methods for me being where I am.
At some point, I say to them all, I must leave but before I go. I ask if there is anything I can do to sway him in his opionion about renting the apartment. He laughs this loud haunting cackle and tells me he has a question I must answer.
"When would be the only time you'd say no to a cookie?"
I instantly panic, I feel like I'm stumped on the simplest SAT question ever but eventually I answer.
"Never"
with wich he replied, "WoW no one has ever given that answer. We might have a winner here."
Again a roar of laughter and soon I'm talking to one of the other people in the room. He's explaining how everyone wants that apartment but he rarely ever rents it out. In fact he himself has been trying to rent it forever. All of a sudden the tension snaps in the room. I'm trying to make a break for the door and the professor corners me. He puts his arm around me and asks if I've taken anything from his classroom. I remember his eyes burning wild with a crazy flint of flame. I answer yes, I instantly begin blurting out things...this is what I remember.
"I took it, because I knew no where else to get it, and I knew that through all my studying it had the ability to help heal what has been fractured and what I have fractured. I didn't mean to do any harm, I just need to figure things out, and knew not how to acquire the substance."
The professor wrapped his arm around me tight and began to whisper. His voice was thunderous, loud, but for some reason only I could hear his words. He opened up part of his T-shirt and a legion on his body came to life licking my face.
"Somethings you may never beable to change, somethings will stay with you forever, and the harder you try the more perverse it might become."
It was about then that I realized his hair was breathing. That nothing on his body ever remained still, it swayed, moved, and floated unconsciously from his actions. His squeeze on me was tight, holding me in place, as he ranted more to me about the fragile venture I am in the middle of.
At some point I freak out, run for the door, and find myself stumbling through the university. I'm being chased, I lose my stalker, duck round a corner, but realize I'm cornered. I know not what to do, i'm peaking around the corner seeing the shape of my assalignt getting closer, and closer. Then from out of no where I see the young man from upstairs (who told me he also had been trying to get the apartment) step round a corner and knock the person chasing me out cold. He tosses me some keys and tells me to run.
We head out of the university and hop into this RIDICULOUS corvette. I put the keys in, rev the engine, and as we peal out I see the professor burst out of the school. Him and the person who my co-pilot knocked out hop in another car. The chase is on but for some reason this suped up car runs like shit. It's automatic but has manual features so I wrestle with the notion that it needs to be in a better gear and BOOOM we take off. Soon though lowjack is calling us through the bluetooth piece in the car. My passenger answers the call, right as I see a giant steel wall fall from the sky. He tries to pass as the professors son, which seems to work, and they appologize for dropping a giant wall in our path. We continue to drive but soon enough the professors car is right on our tail. I spin out lose control, sending us into a ditch, and as I get out of the car the unknown attacker is on me. His image continually changes, it's remarkable, but at the core he looks like me. However hair color gradually fades, face paint comes on and off.
Before I wake up he talks to me about staying on a path. Talks to me about living to laugh and not to worry so much about the outcome. I also hear words from outside of the dream, a thing recently my buddy told me about being gentle when it comes to handling myself, but the last thing I remember before coming to in tears. Is the proffesor walking up to me, I now recognize him, he looks just like my old neigbor that passed away much to soon, and he hands me the keys to an apartment. Saying "We've got much work to do, I trust you."
...wtf! Hahhaha I woke up and instantly started writing all this down. Some of it is spot on but ya know how fast dreams fade.
Like most dreams I didn't know how or why I was where I was but I ended up going through the motions. I knew I was in a university of some type and I was standing before a bushy old man. I started asking him about a place to live. He told me that he had a really nice apartment that he never rents to anyone. As he described the residence it sounded like everything I was looking for, the price was right to, and I asked what it would take to sway him. He told me nothing and I shouldn't even bother to try. Then suddenly he was rushing me out the door, I complied, because I knew that I was going to be breaking back into the class room as soon as he left, and sure enough I did.
Once in there I began looking for something. It took a little while but in a cabinet I found capsuls of DMT. I ended up injesting one of them and was instantly blasted into a beautiful technicolor of wonder. Demons came to life and danced with angels. I found some DVD about entheogens in his desk and put it onto watch. Time melted away, I came out of the DMT experience (or so I thought), and heard people coming to the class room. Feeling all goldie locks like (the D&B producer(not the little girl(wait a combo of both))) I instantly scramble round the class. Cleaning up after myself, attempting to create an alibi, and generally just freaking out. The professor comes in the room, looking younger for some reason, still carrying a wily mystique about him, and he instantly locks eyes with me. Asks what I'm doing here and I quickly respond to disway you further about letting me rent that apartment. He chuckles loudly, two friends (collegues) come into the classroom, and we all start mixing. Talking about this, that, me extremely nervous as if in any second I'll be had, but some long time goes by without any mention of alternative methods for me being where I am.
At some point, I say to them all, I must leave but before I go. I ask if there is anything I can do to sway him in his opionion about renting the apartment. He laughs this loud haunting cackle and tells me he has a question I must answer.
"When would be the only time you'd say no to a cookie?"
I instantly panic, I feel like I'm stumped on the simplest SAT question ever but eventually I answer.
"Never"
with wich he replied, "WoW no one has ever given that answer. We might have a winner here."
Again a roar of laughter and soon I'm talking to one of the other people in the room. He's explaining how everyone wants that apartment but he rarely ever rents it out. In fact he himself has been trying to rent it forever. All of a sudden the tension snaps in the room. I'm trying to make a break for the door and the professor corners me. He puts his arm around me and asks if I've taken anything from his classroom. I remember his eyes burning wild with a crazy flint of flame. I answer yes, I instantly begin blurting out things...this is what I remember.
"I took it, because I knew no where else to get it, and I knew that through all my studying it had the ability to help heal what has been fractured and what I have fractured. I didn't mean to do any harm, I just need to figure things out, and knew not how to acquire the substance."
The professor wrapped his arm around me tight and began to whisper. His voice was thunderous, loud, but for some reason only I could hear his words. He opened up part of his T-shirt and a legion on his body came to life licking my face.
"Somethings you may never beable to change, somethings will stay with you forever, and the harder you try the more perverse it might become."
It was about then that I realized his hair was breathing. That nothing on his body ever remained still, it swayed, moved, and floated unconsciously from his actions. His squeeze on me was tight, holding me in place, as he ranted more to me about the fragile venture I am in the middle of.
At some point I freak out, run for the door, and find myself stumbling through the university. I'm being chased, I lose my stalker, duck round a corner, but realize I'm cornered. I know not what to do, i'm peaking around the corner seeing the shape of my assalignt getting closer, and closer. Then from out of no where I see the young man from upstairs (who told me he also had been trying to get the apartment) step round a corner and knock the person chasing me out cold. He tosses me some keys and tells me to run.
We head out of the university and hop into this RIDICULOUS corvette. I put the keys in, rev the engine, and as we peal out I see the professor burst out of the school. Him and the person who my co-pilot knocked out hop in another car. The chase is on but for some reason this suped up car runs like shit. It's automatic but has manual features so I wrestle with the notion that it needs to be in a better gear and BOOOM we take off. Soon though lowjack is calling us through the bluetooth piece in the car. My passenger answers the call, right as I see a giant steel wall fall from the sky. He tries to pass as the professors son, which seems to work, and they appologize for dropping a giant wall in our path. We continue to drive but soon enough the professors car is right on our tail. I spin out lose control, sending us into a ditch, and as I get out of the car the unknown attacker is on me. His image continually changes, it's remarkable, but at the core he looks like me. However hair color gradually fades, face paint comes on and off.
Before I wake up he talks to me about staying on a path. Talks to me about living to laugh and not to worry so much about the outcome. I also hear words from outside of the dream, a thing recently my buddy told me about being gentle when it comes to handling myself, but the last thing I remember before coming to in tears. Is the proffesor walking up to me, I now recognize him, he looks just like my old neigbor that passed away much to soon, and he hands me the keys to an apartment. Saying "We've got much work to do, I trust you."
...wtf! Hahhaha I woke up and instantly started writing all this down. Some of it is spot on but ya know how fast dreams fade.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Thanks for the CiCi's Mom & Dad
She stuffs slice after slice of pizza in her face. Little gold locks of hair, new cute glasses, with little hearts etched in the side, and she definitely has my fathers smile. We both instantly eye'd up the air hockey machine and I believe it might be the source of her furious pace. This is the 2nd time I've had pizza today and this is depressing to me. Been making some good progress with eating better. My good friend Randy and his Wife force fed me many delicious foods. I tried more new eats this past weekend then I think in my entire life combined. Still, I picked my little sis up after work, she got to choose, and we sit at a CiCi's. "come on Eileen" plays over the speakers and we scoot about dancing in the newly cleaned booth. There was pizza at work today as well. My manager Bud got some for everyone, we were in the middle of getting over run by soccer teams, but I managed to have a few pieces. So I'm sitting in the booth with a gut full of pizza and decide to take a quick snooze. The world goes black (for like 15 seconds) and when I come to my sister is eating cinnamon rolls.
Kids love buffets because for a few seconds, when they run up to that stand of food, they get a sense of freedom, and they grab to their hearts content. I also think they love buffets because they can't actually see the sneeze guard. They get the most direct view of the food, sometimes the look from up high is less then flattering, but then again I'm dining in a 5 dollar pizza buffet.
She can't decide if she wants more food or if she wants to try and settle our air hockey rivalry. I come from competitive people, i just recently asked my dad if he'd like to see who could be the least competitive, and I've got a feeling I'm going to win. So we plunge some quarters into the machine and proceed to slap around a neon green puck. The heated rivalry began a few weeks ago at a Chuckie Cheese. I lost focus for a few minutes and before I knew it the game was 6-6. So now my little sister naturally has some pep in her step and thinks she can take me down. Am I proud to be up on a little kid, YOU BET YOUR ASS!!!, they are so smug, and filled with all this youth.
Two games played, a lot of laughing and taunting shared across the table. Soon enough though we both jet to the buffet again and we don't tell the other what were doing. She grabs one last slice and I a cinnamon roll. Then we stroll out the door stuffing our faces laughing wildly. I do enjoy a lot of things in this funny little story called life. Some of the things I enjoy most are watching my siblings faces light up like every was and will be alright.
Kids love buffets because for a few seconds, when they run up to that stand of food, they get a sense of freedom, and they grab to their hearts content. I also think they love buffets because they can't actually see the sneeze guard. They get the most direct view of the food, sometimes the look from up high is less then flattering, but then again I'm dining in a 5 dollar pizza buffet.
She can't decide if she wants more food or if she wants to try and settle our air hockey rivalry. I come from competitive people, i just recently asked my dad if he'd like to see who could be the least competitive, and I've got a feeling I'm going to win. So we plunge some quarters into the machine and proceed to slap around a neon green puck. The heated rivalry began a few weeks ago at a Chuckie Cheese. I lost focus for a few minutes and before I knew it the game was 6-6. So now my little sister naturally has some pep in her step and thinks she can take me down. Am I proud to be up on a little kid, YOU BET YOUR ASS!!!, they are so smug, and filled with all this youth.
Two games played, a lot of laughing and taunting shared across the table. Soon enough though we both jet to the buffet again and we don't tell the other what were doing. She grabs one last slice and I a cinnamon roll. Then we stroll out the door stuffing our faces laughing wildly. I do enjoy a lot of things in this funny little story called life. Some of the things I enjoy most are watching my siblings faces light up like every was and will be alright.
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