Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I knew I moved to here for a reason...


He comes home and it's him and I...somehow we get locked into that eternal struggle that will more then likely define the both of our lives.


I tell him just what the underground scene means to me...

Freedom, expression, YOUTH, veritility, a means to freely express myself, no more fake plastic people, and some of the most original fiends I've ever seen.

I go back up into my room to creep some minutes off this Adobe project I've been drifting through and he comes up with a...

"would you like to come down, sing some songs, and drink some drinks with me..."

It's on and I know it is as soon as I hit ctrl+s (thanks Kai)....I get down stairs and my father begins constructing his teal potion. It's mostly vodka and it hits the pallet ever so right. We sit down on the love seats in his man cave and begin the evening festivities!

However, before this all starts, before the drinks, I beging digging and find a lot....

I don't want to give to much because my father is a private man but...
He tells me about the madness that was Korea!
his best friend who eventually ended up serving life in prison because he killed his two kids and waited for his wife to come home. He tells me about little one bedroom apartments, bootlegging booze, and his walks through the underbelly that would some day be his son's stomping grounds. We laugh and then eat Chinese, my step mother comes home at this point and everything takes a softer turn.

She does that naturally ya know...
Such a great women, so much care, comfort, and ultimately two ears that make me glad I was born with lips. She listens to us roosters crow and laughs like it's all what is the need to know news. I'm really glad I made this leap, thus far, thinking about the impending holidays, my friend coming to stay from Orlando, and all these crazy dreams I seem to stack across my screen.

So we get to drinking...I learn about the chilli peppers, some country, hair metal, and other things I wont' dare to mention. We drink...yes! and on a school night! I even get him to stay up past 10 o'clock!!! I always knew I was a terrible influence on those I loved most but it took shacking up with my father to really help me come close to that understanding.

I'm really looking forward to the next couple of days...

My grandmother!!!
Ohhhhh man!!!!! the hug I plan on putting on her...all the pain I've felt these past months, all the hurt. I'm sure she'll wipe it all away with one firm clutching. My aunts B-day is arriving soon and i hOPE to bring her something unique and not a moment to soon. These next two months are all about what I moved here for! FAMILY!!! not to say I didn't have them up around my front door...that front door that often greeted me with a crazy cat...JJ...yeah you dude!!! I miss our walks meng...But family! Like blooooooooD, the people that twitch the same way I do, preach the same politics, and continually work to better the same things I do.

I hope you are ready for them...

Its been way to long for me...All the fill in families...THANKS!!!!

This year however, i get my little sister, aunts, uncles, father, etc....The things I've clutched so hard to want. No lies, tears stream from my eyes...maybe its the Aphex...or maybe it's the realization that dreams realized come long after time put in dissecting the lies we live through what we hope will one day surprise us as the truth...ya know...the opposite of black friday lies!

So please...toast those you love the most, and rid off that impending ghost! Because this next month is about the things that matter most!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

All I wanted to do was dance...


This past week has been a disaster in so many ways...
I get this job, from out of no where, and I'm thinking blessing. Not more then 2 hours into my first training shift do I become fully aware that it is anything but. Sooooooooooo, days pass by and I go through what is the worst training at a job ever. Talking about...

Let's send him home with a bunch of paper work and none of the proper pamphlets to fill them out with. At one point they sent me home with this mini book that was suppose to give me answers on menus items. Yeah, I get home, and it's in fucking SPANISH! It was almost like they were looking back on the last two years of my life and saying..."Bet you wish you'd of took that two semesters of Spanish a little more serious buddy." From the trainers that just don't care to the managers that are more worried about saving hours then properly training someone, I find myself at the end.

My last training SHIFT!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! It's friday night and whoa damn slow, I mean short bus slow, and then from out of no where I get this thought. If for some reason I can get out of here early tonight, I might be able to snag a ride and get down with some dancers this evening. I've been living here for a week now and completely isolated from most forms of human contact. More so then toking the occasional pot, dropping the hilarious acids, I find myself craving that semi circle of like minded pears that express themselves through motions. So, I start to tug the strings that I know will get me cut, and about 8:30 I'm handed my final test. The kicker, I have to clock out and take this behemoth before I can exit the building. If my counting is correct they already have me down for about 2hrs off the clock in this building, and I'm left wondering...will this be a trend? So I get to the task at hand and at some point I become extremely tired of playing by their rules. I start talking with the other servers, FOH (front of house), and cooks...only to find...most people don't fucking know either.

This leads me to take my test into that bathroom, with my pre test, and begin forging away at my freedom. MWUahahhHAHAHHAhahHA! I don't feel bad since they gave me the proper documents to complete everything four days prior and have really done a piss poor job training me overall. So I hand my completed test to Jay, he looks a lot like the team lead from "party down" season one (acts like it to in a lot of ways), and skip out the door bumping Blue scholars! Unhinge the bike and bolt home, my hope is to get home, and get in touch with one of the few peeps I know down here and snag a ride to get down town. I fail on so many levels...I sit...Grey Anatomy taunting me in my face! FUCK! Man, i got the itch, and part of me just wants to steal my fathers car, Smash on these local cats and scoot back before anyone is any the wiser.

Sadly, I get dressed, get back on that bike, and cruise out into the crisp Florida winter air. The sky is largely illuminated by the moon and the past two years of psychedelics. It's beautiful, I put on the Trio and head to this bar...They call it linksters. Page gets me drunk, I attempt to make small talk but start failing once I find something to write about in my little white book. I pump 5bucks into the jukebox and my plays go unnoticed. I'm alone! Marooned! This is all my doing though and in the mirror across from me I remind myself of that as I wiggle my fingers. Looking sharp, Cheddar like...Cheddar is the sharpest of all cheeses fools.

Curtis Mayfield
Rage Against the Machine
Lupe Fiasco
Violent Femmes

All while the Bulls barely eek by a win over Dallas. Page made me a delicious potion that further dropped me into the realm of seclusion and before I know it I'm paying my tab and unlocking my bike. I ride around...and find myself to this other little bar a few block from my I take a break to rant...

My father upon moving into his house made me sign an agreement to not take any substances without a prescription. So it's not about bringing drugs into his house or even coming home under the influence. It's more about not having those toxins in my system while I call his home my home. It's completely alright for me to go ride around town, rack up 20dollars in charges via various bars, get wasted, destroy my liver, and slither my ways back home. I don't know that I understand this logic...ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS DANCE! Yet, whatevers, I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity I have before me this year and with my eye on the prize I know all objectives can be reached. I just want to smoke a little weed and boogey :)

So I sit at this bar and I go from tipsy to drunk, Dessa sings to me, and helps me piece together the last 10 months of my life. I scribble with a mad fury and I will say the best part about drinking again is the haste it gives my PEN. I breeze through the last few pages of a book I got for my bday...I put an extremely important chapter to rest and peace the fuck out of another establishment. As I leave I watch the happy little dance going on and wonder if I can somehow re-insert myself into that human equation again....doubtful...but it'll be fun trying.

I ride down a few blocks, find a parking lot, park my bike, and proceed to bust the fuck down & OUT! Some FLUX, Beats, Heyoka, and I barely break a sweat because of this amazing climate I'm surrounded by. I feel great! Definitely still buzzing from the cocktails I purchased and I got to unload some much needed dance tension. I check my reflection in the glass of this Lutheran Church and can only describe myself as satisfied. I scurry home and can't wait to sit in front of these keys for another hour or so.

Angsty "strung out" blares through the head phones and I put it all down...Read it...dismiss it...fuck it! I can't wait to look back on it 3 years from now. Because I'm digging this thing called life and living it the best way I can. I'm established at my job now, so now I begin making real money, I think I've learned the lay of the land I'm currently calling home, and I've battled the worst forms of regret this week. All n All...I'm thinking things are good...hope you are thinking the same. PEACE FRIENDS!

Friday, November 19, 2010

All my malice

You are the benefactor of years n years of caution
I'm the road less traveled and hair less styled
good bad and all those close but not so touching in betweens
you'd like to paint me that
Chum, buddy, pal, friend...
I'd like you to know...I wish you the best
All that can ever be said has
and all that ever will be is already in motion
the free fall is exhilarating and there is no room for waiting
no time for debating
So I implore you to resist your
(good god there might be children reading)
^^^if they are^^^
Let me say this and that
THIS:Is a man who takes chances, breaks hearts, does his best to mend them, and hopefully never break them again.
THAT:Is half a man who doesn't have the stones to even call and insult you
Nope just throw stones from a far
gossip about my life like its the hot topic of substance
Eye to eye more then a few times
except you set it up so that not a humble word would smash on your pride
You be the locomotive
I'll be running on them train tracks
lets see who first will collapse
Don't get sloppy?
Making you seethe is one of my more natural hobbies
Far far away and out of the blue you just need to wish me off and say HEY!
but you know in your not so subtle way
man....'s been a long while since I've had to read any of your writing
(you think there might have been some improvements)
Let's hope this blunt ass back hand makes it a lot longer
I live to loathe you
But instead I'll hope to let it all go
and watch something better grow
Best of luck sir! If you believe in that sort of thing...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

On The Road prt 1

Shot out of some sort of circus cannon, racing towards Florida in what has to be the sickest car I've ever had the great fortune of driving, and I'm on a timetable like I've never known. I have ruffly round 20 hours to make what the directions are telling me is a 21 hour drive but I get the feeling like it just might be o.k.

So Teddy helps me pack up the pimpalicious ride, I get my snacks in order, and begin peeling back the miles. The always talented bassphreak has provided me with my own personal mix to start my journey on and I'm happy to blast it loudly. The past week had just been a blinding mess and I'll do my best to not bring it into this. However, I'm going through moments, thinking of things I could of said, laughing at the things I did, and tearing up as I see her fade away in my rear view mirror. Fret not love, I'll be back, and finally with the right mind to stay in your comforts. Not along side them, hiding, in the burbs, and visiting on weekends. No, I think this time, I'll have a couch for people to do just that, and watch it all come round full cycle...yeah I like that thought...NO! you can't come!

Not to long into my drive I get a text from one of them. She's extremely sad and wondering how I manage to always keep it together. How I always seem so very happy and keep everyone in great spirits. I decide texting while driving isn't going to be good so I engage in what would be a very long conversation. The young women I'm speaking to definitely suffers from manic depression. I struggle with this as well...These amazing HIGHS!!! soaring, coasting...LOOK AT THAT, hahahahhahahhhaha! etc! and then these lows that just bottom me out some days. She is a bit younger and from what I can tell has it to a much deeper extreme. I offer her a lot of advice, expression being the main one, and how writing has helped me out tremendously through the years. After my friends recent breakdown and the result I also make sure to mention that professional help might not be a bad route to seek when her vision becomes a bit to narrowed. Towards the end, we laugh, chat, and talk about the future. I get to marry her and her friend :D Two wives...I know and I'm not even Mormon.

Back to the matter at hand...

Have you ever driven through Indiana? SUCKS!!! so flat, boring, and at the time I'm driving PITCH BLACK! The tunes make up for it though..."Key to the City" was a top 5 favorite on my journey no doubt. Some others included...

Crying Over Pro's
All things Alkaline Trio
Alan Watts
Rise Against (the louder the better)
Heaps and Heaps of Drum and Bass: Pendulum, London Electricity, Krott, Broken Note, Umomz
Blue Scholars @ Sunrise...yes sir
Caravan Palace: a nostalgic throw back to the last time I drove this stretch
Tom Petty: Wildflowers album
Aesop Rock
All things DOOMTREE
When Life Gives You Lemons...
Mixes by:Bassphreak, TMY, Bit[c]rush, Dottcom, and LAZERSWORD (yeah still)
....the list goes on and on

I had brought with me a copy of Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" read by Matt Dillion to listen to but I decided against it. First listening to audio books can cause some snooze factor and since I didn't have anyone to switch out with that wouldn't be good. Second and probably most importantly I wanted to re-read the book, not listen to it, and I had specifically set it aside during my packings. I love this book, I'm half way through it again, and it's a true inspiration in my life. Whenever I'm going through a large transition I enjoy reading it and reliving that crazy mans life. I hope to one day write something in the vein of and give back to something that gave me so much.

Cruising along, just crushing the miles, and getting way ahead of myself. I start to lose steam and somehow I still have one last capsule of my love/hate relationship in my backpack. Where I'm going to is a farewell to a lot of things but none more serious then to all the various substance I take. I don't consider myself the type of person who "abuses" drugs, I definitely take my fair share but abuse has never really been what I'm about. However, through these passing months my intake has become more then I would care to mention. I get a free place to live down in Florida and one of the few rules my father has is a strict zero tolerance rule. Sometimes, life puts you right where you need to be when you need to be there, and then again other times life puts you in the middle of a drive by shooting. I'm gona go with the positive frame of mind and enjoy my lapse into sobriety.......relapse into alcoholism......:D......and not plaster my opinions about drugs all over my fathers extremely nice walls.

Soooo...a few songs thump by and I get that really good feeling in my gut. This gives me the idea to start working on some drills for my digits and I'm really glad I had this thought. This will definitely keep me awake long after the little capsule wears off and I've been meaning to balance out my practice habits. I've become crazy right hand dominated as of late and would like to gain some more control on my left. So I go about drilling a few motions with my right and then seeing if I can duplicate with my left. This also helps kill the boredom that is Indiana....
....Funny thing about Indiana, I use to drive here all the time to visit my X-wife. One time I even got to hit up Indianapolis and boy howdy is that place jumping...shooot! stores and bars open to 9p.m. they even got them talking pictures you've heard so much about. I HATE THE COLTS...CAN'T STANDY INDY RACING!!!...PLEASE SELL THIS STATE TO SOMEONE COOL. I think Johnny Dep could do a lot of good to Indy...i kid

Are you bored...are you interested? Should I continue? I will...whether you answer those questions or not. I just need to get some shut eye...till next time.

OH! and you...Yeah you fucking tool shed! I know...I'm childish and should really read my own posts, etc...but what I find so funny is that you read them. Everyone needs an adversary, so I'll gladly take you on as mine because if you knew anything about me...I have very few! This is not to say I don't have my fair share of people I butt heads with but I don't know to many people who share the same view you have towards me. Happy trolling hoe bag and please feel free to preach to me about Karma again. Trust! Me! I've seen first hand the thing that come about when I stray from being a "good boy"...I believe...I'm human like the rest...and actually "all to human".

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Just So You Know

I'll miss you
from the sunrises
to the orange surprises
the lack of color in our eyes
oh & all the laughs
People who allow me to be me
good, bad, from the ugly to the lovely
I've never had a group of peers who didn't judge me
Don't worry...
I've got all the bracelets (or so i thought)
all the secrets
the painful things
the trust
& all the in betweens
Back bone of a broken scene
I high five all you vertebrae
& leave little forget me nots
In the places we loathe the most
these words, let em act as a toast
or the continual nagging of my ghost
Each one of YOU!
there is a lot of good to be said about
& I thank you for never ever once publicly acknowledging my doubt
Ya'll were my rocket fuel this past year
& let me tell you...
I blasted off somewhere so far...
Mmm hmm past Mars
& I'm never coming down
Off to roam, alone, with headphones and a back pack
But I assure you I'll be back
to battle the wack
Plain the opposite of black

Thanks for the couches
nights on futons
a group where I felt I belong
all the handfuls of shampoo
conditioner late night/early morning trips to your bathrooms
The globs of minty mush
that I applied to my brush
to keep this rotting mouth
from becoming like my childhood house
For the free eats
For letting me bump "beats"
thanks for a million memories with dilated pupils
I'll miss you much to much
off to find my what
& I hope you do to
And we keep in touch through
The shifting of many moons
to the unique the savy the few
I just need to thank you
for being you
& the generosity you so kindly spew
I built myself a nice view
Poured me some bitches brew
Sipped it & brought to life dreams I never dared knew
Largely because of you
Sometimes a washer & dryer
other times rides & talks through live wires
Before my clock expires
I doubt I'll ever find so many people I hold higher \
I love you & am forever in your debt
You kill my regret
& have me pushing to whats next
These friendships I love & will never forget

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Rest In Peace

I write these words with a heavy heart, numb, and all around exhausted. I'm going to write these words to you but oddly enough post them for everyone to see. I tried sitting down and writing to you yesterday, I was still in a lot of shock, and crying on the hour. Today, has been a little bit easier though, and I begin to rationalize a lot of stuff.

You were a bright young soul, coming into your own, and I enjoyed it most when you spoke your mind. You were rigid and definitely to smart for your own good. For everyones good and I thank you for that. I thank you for the hands I now see so many people wear across their chest, I thank you for believing in my ideas, and sharing your own. I thank you for so much and forgive you for leaving us so soon.

I saw it you know, that stare, the way you'd look off into the abyss, and just obsess over your problems. I tried to make light of them, offer solutions, and help you come to grips with the suffering that can be life. These past 48 hours I've beat myself up a lot for not doing a better job. I've beat myself up for our final moments together and find myself wanting nothing more then to have you back in all our lives.

Watching you dance on that dirt road at UGS this past August was an amazing site to see. You once were a wallflower at parties and that night I saw you blossom into something major. Such high hopes, in all of our eyes, everyone voting one by one who had made the largest impact that weekend, and I was pleased when you got the flag. It was nice knowing that you'd have this constant reminder around you that there was something you'd be contributing to our dance and that your journey was off to a great start.

A few days before you left us, you brought me all the photos you'd gathered since you became a fixture in my life. I've looked through them a lot these past two days and haven't decided what to do with them yet. I know I'll come up with something good and hope that you'll be proud. You saw things in a special way through that camera. Thanks for taking the time to come out and snap photos of my old stomping ground with me. Those stories I told you about me growing up, the struggles, continually searching for identity, and eventually finding it in dance...those were true. Few people know them, I shared them with you because I LOVED YOU!

I'm sorry if I lost faith in these passing weeks. I was definitely hurt that you sought out my help, that we bonded that morning while everyone slept, and then you did the opposite. Makes me feel like I failed you when you needed me most but I talk to everyone...seems to be how we're all feeling. The pain of losing a loved one is never easy and losing you friend, has been surrounded by so much mystery.

Life to me is the culmination of energy, the coming together of all this randomness and the building of substance. Death is the dispersal of that energy and the restarting of a beautiful cycle. I looked out my window today and saw you among the leaves on the ground. The oranges, the reds, and I even saw you up in those clouds you love so much. I saw you in my little brother as I stopped by to talk with my mother and I think I even caught a glimpse of you in my rear view mirror as I straighten my hat. What I'm trying to say is...

...Your not gone. The physical has been taken from us before we'd like it to be, this makes the heart heavy, and my eyes puffy. However, you are wherever I want you to be, and in time I'll come to make sense of this tragedy. I hope your soul is at peace! I wish I could have done more for you while we shared space on this crazy blue marble. I'm glad our paths crossed and I'm sorry we didn't have more time.

I love you friend...sleep well