Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Whose to blame?

I watch them, all day, everyday, I study, observe, admire, and do my best to understand. Recently I greatly failed, took advantage of a genuine feeling and definitely got used up by someone who I thought was different.

I'm told they are reflections, we attract what we need, when we need it but after these past 6 months I feel so damn lost, and extremely scared to ever pursue one again. Selfishness, splashing around is selflessness, wondering how to make it all fit, and shaking hurting to not relapse. There were times, when we'd lay around for hours and it all made sense. Then there were times when it was never enough, like I was some how suppose to give her, "us" more, but I just wasn't seeing the same effort given in the few things I needed.

So scared little man, running back to the things he loves most, and stiff upper lip in tact. It's never to late, at least that's what I've been saying these morning, after I scrape off the nights rest, and push into another whirlwind of a day. I have a lot of love for a lot of things and people. I guess, realistically this past relationship showed me that I'm not ready and may never be.

So to you, the one that I've cared to much for, and have definitely exhausted my brain in an effort to bring you closure...
FUCK OFF!!! GET BENT!!! and hopefully, maybe one day, we can be friends again...
And to most importantly me...

You can use these words in your own life, laugh at them, etc...Just dumping them out so I can possibly close my blues and drift to somewhere soothing.

Consider Our Personal Life On Blast!

I said she love me she love me not
Another case of a person not knowing what they got
I mean she loves me but most of the time when were together things are distraught
Lving another, ya know your other should be easy or so i thought
or so I taught
myself because my examples of love growing up were far from the usual beautiful store bought
& cover my mouth
a lion posing as a door mouse
Extremely picky with whom he'll build his house
Jet fuel & a taste for the cruel & those that love to shout
So cool, so much he burned down the school & tells the kids to just run about
So she loved me, errrrr uhhhhh loves me, no doubt
but now my nights are spent alone teaching the heart broken not to pout
Screaming all the unspoken from my busted spout
A wide eye'd carney dancing his roustabout
Waiting on the gypsy princess to widen his grimace match the efforts of his fitness & quickness love fast off the block strong & stout
Dancing with that 4 letter word fallin in & out
Trusting only his heart & a few loyal friends to play scout
Because the last on with all her fancy words did nothing more then bring doubt

Monday, August 23, 2010

papers falling from a cliff

I think she just wanted me to hold her
...but you know I wanted more
So we tussled, cuddled, struggled, and explored
seconds to minutes to hours to days
I awake in a haze
she now rests in my maze
She definitely just needed me to hold on
But in the end I let her go
Right @ the end of the winters snow
So many memories
I live inside the laughter
So much carelessness
I guess I'm naturally attracted to disaster
The beauty I found in those arms
Those wild wandering fractilated eyes
give me hope that it was just a taste and something greater will again fall from the sky
She never said so but I get this feeling like she wanted me to hold her
and I always thought I was that guy
giving love a try
giving into being shy
sing me something reasonable, sing me another lullaby

Thursday, August 19, 2010

A step back...

So it seems, it's been a long while since I've written in here, and yes I have my excuses.

3)Liquid Dance Conference
4)Scared to re-read the major meltdown I've been having

All of those are just that, excuses, but to be fair....I've been a busy, busy, little B. The task I decided to take on all these months ago has gained a lot of momentum and is reaching the final stages. I've gathered a lot of support, made new friends, and lost some support (along with some old friends). The task remains the same and grateful to have so many people helping me out.


This past weekend was UGS...the two summers previous it was the greatest weekend of my summer. This year it proved to some how out do it's self again in my mind. Soooo much adventure, good music, bonding, and nature!

These past three years I've completely lost myself and found this whole other person. I think what intrinsically makes me who I've always been is there. However, somethings have greatly changed, and not always for the better. At sunrise on sunday, I took a leap of faith, one I had been dancing around all weekend, and as I exhaled that truth from my lips I began a trip that might take me sometime to come back from.

I'm taking a step back, from a lot of things, and I'm going to see where it get's me. These next two months will require a focus I've only known once previously in my life. I remember my 2nd night of boot camp, thinking, what have I done, how will I make it out of this, and would I ever be the same. I look out into my life right now and have a lot of those same feelings. YES! I can be a bit dramatic but in all seriousness, I've never wanted anything more then what I'm currently working towards in my life, and from what I've learned through my journey thus far is that will come with a hefty price. Sacrifice and an ass load of dedication. I'm up to the task and have a marvelous supporting cast, that seems to grow by the day.

I told a buddy of mine, who I won't use his name, but I will say hipped me to an extremely ridiculous drink...anyway...I told...
"Thanks man!...for believing in me."
and it took him less then a second to say
"Dude you believe in yourself, that's why we all believe in you."

Reflections...I see them all through out my days and I guess it's that cyclic thinking that has me thinking that nothing I'm doing will be good enough. It has me stressing, fiending, searching for a way to make this conference something truly memorable for all those involved. When in already is.

This year has been an insane ride........
................................................................................thanks for those of you not wearing your seatbelts :D