Monday, December 26, 2011

Smile like me...i dare u

And all I deem
To need
At this point I live it like poetry
My head full of enormous dreams
And faith in my teams
I build bridges & collect cream
Plant seed
And wait for my turn to breed
Because baby
I was born with an abundance of faith no matter how many other people come only to take
Getting and eating cake
In the middle of some prolific earthquake
For contentions sake
This is just another apex before another series of follies
All I know is ill be
Ready for the world, the girl, and to deflect the cynical with the vitality found in my curl

Thursday, December 22, 2011

What i thought i couldn't i am

I'm trotting back on the good ole south shore line and I feel cucumber like once again.  I swooped in, saved the day, baked some things, cleaned, rubbed, and got a few laughs.  I left the place in much better shape then when I had arrived.  I also started to turn the key for her, left some ways for her to finish the process, and I can only hope she does the rest.

Sooo much passion! Burning, raging, and overwhelming!

She pushes so damn hard and that in itself brings comfort to an instigator of my capacity.  Who knows what will be, the contention I feel comes from not really knowing what any of this is about and gaining more self control.

Her daughters name is Lucy :) can't make that up!  We watched somethings, chased persia about, and stuffed our faces.  She's an adorable spitting image of her mama...all about those eyes and cheeks!  Waiting for the train I shared my insights, my life, and the working pieces of my brain.  She shared her hopefulness, gatefulness, and some of the deepest kisses I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Blonde, blue, tattoo'd through but none in view
I still have only begun to entertain you
Sweet, fierce, fiery, and young
I enjoy the songs u sung

Boarded the train, smile engrained, and sat down to fully confront my shame.  Not much left these days and after missions like this I get a sense there won't b much more ever again.  Pulling into millenium station with just enough time to say goodbye to Toni and hello to alice.

This winter will b riddled with opposition which I hope to turn into oppurtunity.  I'm so thrilled to be here, so glad that I've found myself ontop of the trash heap once more, and welcome those that think they can to knock me off.  Blessed, about you?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Week in review n life too

These days, I'm wondering why the pendulum rarely swings, and thankful for the consistent steady of my mind.  So many amazing possibilities and a mountain of meaningful obstacles to overcome.  Putting these pieces of the day finally back together my way.  The finished product is definitely tbd but its surely one of love and ultimate devotition.

My job has been rather intense the last two weeks.  Its partly the job but also has a bit to do with all the extra living I try to cram in there.  29 n still burning my candle at both ends.  The place is a chaotic mess and to boot they place a lot of the blame on the servers.  We are trainable, a dime a dozen, and I've noticed how they just start burying people there.  The hardest part still has to be some of my co-workers and the downright awful attitudes the exude.  I'm struggling with staying at this job, all the benifits I'm about to start using would be great but at what cost.  I'm going to see what the universe says and keep going with amazing flow I've recently found myself in.

I just got booked to teach in minnieapolis 2nd weekend of january!  This is by far the biggest and best thing going on in my life at the moment.  Tmy and I will head up there and show them what the liquids are all about.  I'm doing two workshops and will teach a variety of things but the end goal is to lay a solid foundation for students to begin manipulating space :P. This visit to the twin cities will hopefully act as a great catalyst to propell our thriving dance scene ot start working a bit closer together.  I'm attempting this year to really build some solid bridges between midwest cities nd get some great dancers the recognition they deserve.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Doesn't matter

Hello reader, friend, former friend, future friend, mentor, student, internet stalker, and the variety of other valant mins tha might come to read this.  I welcome you to my world, to my BST so to speak, and hope you'll understand the views expressed here are soley my own.

The title of the post coincides with a T-shirt I wore as a recent prank for an extremely amazing dance event I attended a few weeks back.  It was meant to be a clever stab at some behavior experienced the year before at the catalytic event I hosted in my fair saviors arms (talking about Chicago(she's dreamy)). They say don't get mad get even...
...problem is life is cycles, circles, and one good turn deserves another.  So bring it on if you feel the need :) I'm all for some "healthy" one ups manship.

I digress...

Recently in the dance culture I'm heavily a part of there has been a split.  Two extremely powerful, intelligent, and resourceful forces have taken there balls to go play elsewhere.  What started out as a "joke" on an internet forum quickly erupted into people walking away and not resolving simple philosophical differences.  If anyone has been in a break up, watched their parents split up, or all things liking to these scenarios knows what comes next.


Hahaha...also though, as time labors on, double the commitments, and eventually establishing new allegiances, and etc. 

Before I carry on with this rant I would just like to say...


I mean that from the bottom of everything that makes me the intense obnoxious extravert you've come to some what know.  We are a young dance, with many obstacles ahead of us in the coming years, and it makes no sense for two talented forces to be at ends with one another.  Maybe that's life ole yin and the yang, warp n woof, fire n ice, donny n marie, harry n the hendersons...on n on like the stardust that coats our eyes when we slumber.

So, there is a point to all this I'm writing, and I'm getting to it...I hope.

I'm still riding an insane natural high from my experience in Baltimore.  I had one of the single most fullfilling weekends as a dancer ever.  Shared in a million new memories with a band of heathens I'm proud to call equals.  Carved out a firm chunk of my own identity and put it out of reach from the masses.  Iritated my elders and hopefully inspired some of the younger heads.

I give you the above highscore total for one reason and one reason only.


Sure...the arguement, can, has, will be made...

"But tom no one was excluded from the event, there were plenty of people there that maybe aren't the best of friends, and got along just fine."


What I'm driving at here is, a public conversation took place once, started off as a joke, feelings got upsetted on both sides, and now two of the most signifigant forces in this dance are no longer supporting one another.  Seems a little ridiculous but ya know this is me just twiddling my midwest ethic, stuck in the middle, passing his time positively while awaiting heavens guest list.  It don't matter, it won't matter, until you two prideful sons of bitches pick up the phones and apologize to the other.  Hell! Tell you what, we can broker a signing of the treaty of douchebaggery at my place in Chicago.  Which has and will always be neautral territory for this dance while my veins pump this thick crimson I so freely spill into existence.

As I stated at the top, these are my opinions, no collaborations need, and this is my mission.  Firstly because there is no way that two men of your power and vision should not be working towards somewhat of a unified goal.  Secondly because I love the ever loving shit out of both of you. One for what you've taught me and the other for what your teaching me.  Lastly because in the past year I've learned isolation isn't the answer, compromise, understanding, and unity are.

Take this lightly
Get up set
Yadda yadda

Ill be waiting where the winters snap the hardest of hearts and only those with unwavering dedication find comfort.  Many blessings friends, its a great time to be "active" and alive...may you never pick a side ;)

Peace n flow

Before you think about retaliating, settling the score, or any form of "one up's man ship".

Please think about this...

I said I owed you one...this would be one...if you'd like to keep it going I'm all for that. Just know that I do this shit in my sleep and it takes little to no energy. None of this was to ultimately offend anyone, just to make a point, and for me, personally, make things even steven for some of the behavior shown at the Icebreaker I hosted the year previous. So ya know...balls in your court :)

Sidewalk chalked but from the color sticks of tiny little peoples.  Nope, its chalked like the cracks in my skin, and this is all due to the impending wnter quickly creeping up.  I stride to my ride, this morning ill hop the red line, I've got to meet with Toni, and don't feel like fighting all the green lights of michigan ave.

I started this process a few months ago and am really kicking myself for not going sooner.  I tell her what I want to work on and we do.  She has the patience of five best friends combined and all without any of that pesky subjectivity.  As of recent I've cut my sessions back and I'm only going every other week.  Trying to save a little loot, time, and really work the process outside those comforting four walls.

Chris (verb) has moved up here from the south.  This is probably one of the best things that could have ever happend.  He's a warm hearted person and just wants to slam with us.  He'll reignite the fires that have been barely flickering in some of our hearts.  Plus we will have our fourth dancer again and hopefully this will bring more stability back to all we hope to achieve.  His girlfriend is lovely as well and I can't wait to show them the many marvels of the windy city.

I feel fully rejuvinated and working steadily towards a variety of goals.  Grace being what it is, I'm glad it swooped in and I was willing to just go with it.  By reading this or the previous posts you'd probably guess my life is sunshine and rainbows.  Its far from that and I'm constantly working through the tuffer parts.

My focus wavers rarely and my attack is precise.  This humorous road call life bends towards what's right and I oblige my feet with a few more steps.  "Don't fail me now" I ramble out and we ease on down.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Rolling stone reborn

I wake up, with an interesting text, respond and pass back out. This is at about 6a.m...she said she "wants" me. Ha! Like a cat toy to my razor sharp wit I definitely plan on batting that word round for a bit.  I wake again bout 7 and feel extremely refreshed for how little I slept.  I'm snuggled under my very large forest green wool thrift store winter coat. 1/2 coat, 1/2 blanket, and all around awesome. It sort of makes me look like a tall skinny silent bob and I'm more the o.k. with this.

I snuggle up with an orange kitty that's thrown onto my temporary bed.  As I communicate in muddled meew's to his adorable face I tumble around politely through various memories of the weekend.

Giggling grill cheeses
Tour guiding the mag mile
Honesty of a mending heart
Free popsicles for a den of fiends
Diggity dank loft space
Lovely irish eyes
Fingertips no words needed

Papa was a rolling stone and I very much embody a piece of his soul.  I'm inbetween existences again and keeping the faith in your truly above all.  I feel like the past few years have been an amazing journey into the unknown that I'm finally touching down from.  Bolder but with a softness I never thought i'd be able to comprehend.  The man speaking to you right now is a lot of things, mostly whatever judgements you form, but truly humbled.

I gather up the things i'd left there the evening before and the new things that I brought a long for a much needed change of scenary.  I pile into their ride, crack jokes, and get dropped off to catch the 77.  It's a gloomy day out, for some, but for others it's refreshing.  Each droplette that grazes my skin gives me a quick tinge of rejuvination.  I just make the bus, talk about timing, and sit down to start writing this.  A thought pops into my head about this friend I've bumped into randomly on the bus and anoter time at a target. Five minutes later she is boarding the bus and we're swapping stories of our lives since our last serendipitous collision.


I'm almost getting use to the unexpected, taking to much comforted in unusual, and growing a great appetite for the grand sucker punch awaiting me.  A life lived larger then this little device will allow me to write.  These are foot notes, mini memories, and living well in plain site for those who maybe think I should be doing otherwise.

Winters coming friends! Stay tuned, prolly be crashing on a couch near you :)

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Upgraded and nomadic

It took me a while to catch up with the ever growing digital world but I've finally installed the blogger ap for my smart phone.  This means a few things...
More updates, insights, and general mayhem
But sadly, spelling errors, improper word usage, and continual abuse of the english language.
So welcome back...
...into the chicago winter I wander with a wealth of stories to share and a firm grip on my journey.

Monday, July 11, 2011

one big misadventure

and a rush of feelings!
Then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!

I go off like a million roman candles, the irony of it all, was less then an hour ago she's talking about everyone having a breaking point and then we find mine...once again.

To say it mildly, the last three months of my life have been an exhausting whirl wind of trust and understanding. At the very least, I've developed a new form of patience that would draw the envy of Kindergarten teachers, and at the very most I have the components for a truly amazing story.

Stumbling through the Miami streets last night, singing songs from a simpler time, and sipping on hobo wine. I came to understand very little but I saved myself from saying the things that would never be undone. This delicate flower, it grows, and some days its thorns plunge deep into the flesh of the unsuspecting lover. She bleeds and then again so do I. The point is, through our friendship we pick one another up and attack the problem head on once we regroup. Hahaha! Somewhere round my third brown bag I'm not thinking about that at all, I'm just thinking about all the selfish actions, and then the gull that is dumped over me at every single serious conversation.

This is my life, some of my closet tell me to take charge of her but I'm more content watching someone dig a crater. Because at some point, you can only tell someone the same thing 294238705029834 times before you start to share the psychosis and last night I caught wind of something foul.

So I did what I do best and just walked. I gave a hobo warm beer and I broke into a couple abandoned venues. Scribbled madness all over my notebooks and howled at the moon with something fierce in the back of my throat. Tried to play with two fire extinguishers but they were broken. Pissed off the top of a parking garage and sang allowed "the day I tried to live". I texted with an angel for a bit and flirted with what life could be like if I wasn't a simpleton.

It all ended with me breaking into the house the workers were "guarding". I use that word loosely, since I was smashed, made a ton of noise, and some how still got inside. Once inside I surveyed all the work done since my explosion and thought about mixing up all the boxes out of spite. Don't know if I was just to drunk to muster up the strength or if I truly understand the crazyness that rattles around in her head. I uncorked some wine that was left in the fridge, scribbled some more in a book, and passed out on a black couch. I have passive aggression down to an art form, judges gave me a 9.8, and no one got hurt. A lot better then I use to be but then again I'm told it's all relative.

There are more nice things to say and I'll write them soon enough. For now...I need a lot of water!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Oh life!

You think you know, I can see it, the wrinkles of your forehead give it all away, and that smug ass smile is all to familiar. I once became fascinated with the every day dealings of an obnoxious fool who claimed all he knew was that he knew nothing at all. I swore with a large dose of teenage angst to be like that man. Somehow, time marches on, and begins to teach us it's linear lessons. Run over, round, through, and out...

...I walked into that dance competition with a plate full of know how and a tongue full of whatever could be. The two exploded and I now plug away at these keys in the most unlikely of scenarios. Her n's been a theme in my life...well, really all of our lives. At some point when we finally start to realize, all of this, is because of a women, and that's maybe why it's not suppose to make sense ;)

So yeah, don't know if you've done much reading on mystical experiences but allow me to inform you that they are extremely RARE! That night, in that space, with those people, I saw things only I was meant to see, and have been trying to figure them out for months now. However, somewhere after the car crash, being stranded in Atlanta, the great flood of expectations but before a return to normalcy (normal for me mind you.) I stopped trying to figure it all out and made an astounding realization. The thing that got me this far, the thing that went wayward right before my plunge into darkness has at long last returned to me, and its safe to say I'm overjoyed.

Intuition! Wiki it if you don't for ways to sharpen it and when you think it's as razor sharp as mine meet me on the Belmont rocks ;)

Who knows man, not me, passing that burden on a million passer buyers with far shrewder intellects. I've truly learned a great deal these past 9 months. To be completely cheesy, I feel re-born, except for the knee, the bad back, and the mouth hard wired to blow. Fresh in mind and perspective. Once again enjoying this ride, because my equals, truly, deeply, it's that, and that is what there is to love.

Speaking of that flighty four letter feeling...she's doing well these days. We run into burning buildings for sport and find a million different ways to make the world ours. From chirps to beeps to way to much cream cheese we gain momentum. Where it leads us is no doubt the hilarious punch line to my entire existence. If you ever, EVER, find anyone on this earth who can put up with your shit...RUN!!! Once you see that it's inevitable, leave the light on for them to find their way back to you, and proceed to lob concussion grenades at one another for sport. After a while I believe you develop a tolerance, a longing, and a modest understanding for an overwhelming feeling.

As this song runs hard and loud through these ear buds I choke back happy tears of redemption. I feel a flickering of a momentous roar, a sustainable urge that I dare not defy, and please forgive me in advance if I trample you with my best intentions. In the coming days we make our accent into greener pastures and we ride by the skin of our teeth. She doesn't know, I don't know, and to tell ya something close to the truth...I don't think we care to.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

To grandmothers house we Go

A wolf in resale clothing
living a life not worth condoning
with nickels and dimes of his reach
he counts their copper counter parts every week
& able
to one day clutch something shiny and stable
but by then mangled
dreams dried up puny & tiny
faithful turned shameful
eye sockets cauterized caught creeping blindly
No longer as Wiley
Just a wasted wreck wishing he'd of acted a bit more wisely
In his thrift store duds & with his pro boo grift
he takes time mangling this most precious gift
Giving into the lowest of emotions throwing tantrums and fits
Questioning why on earth we the feeble sheeple exist
Slipping further from glory a Gothic allegory skipping Lincolns off a cliff
his only hope his only wish
is some where down in that cavern floor theres a well
wolf with mangled teeth knows the perils of hell
Only because he's tasted heaven and fell
Bushy tail
& eyes of a convicting fire
A maniac you may want to admire
A menace ruled by his desires
Dousced in all that has transpired
Since that little red hooded bitch
Left him for dead in barbed wire

Sunday, May 22, 2011

le mime

I hit it hard...
...Set up shop where I set up the night before. There is a nice breeze passing through the Miami streets. Lot's of beautiful women, families, and dudes with a lot of product in their hair. I start to play some tracks and instantly hop to a much better start then yesterday. The area of Miami I'm in is extremely rich, how rich...

...Was that a roles royce?...was that a lambo? that womens dog tattoo'd in prada?

If Aerosmith had any idea that this place existed they would be full for years to come. How does a cheeky dance machine such as myself mingle in with the uptown personalities? It's really, it's ruff, and the evening previous had me feeling like a waste of space. Still, I get up today, do the daily, look for places to live, and pack up my gear. I realize part of my struggles yesterday come from location but another part is just being back in top form.

I've been resting a lot lately, trying to take it easy (easy for me), and hoping to heal some of the damage these passing years have brought on. Still though this restlessness is buried deep in me. Fresh chunes, some suckers for the kiddies (thanks icon), and the best of intentions. These are all I bring with me and hope to make a little money.

Things are tight in my life...

...So much up in the air and I've been out of work now for 3 weeks. In that time what little money I had saved has been spent. Still though, I know how to find dollars when I need them most, and I bang beats all through out Coconut Grove. I've set up a few times here and with gaining success each time. This past evening was loaded with hilarity...

A bridal shower comes roaring by and decides to take some photos with the crazy man all done up in face paint. A man walking by with a group of his friends rambles out "A mime is a terrible thing to waste" and then doesn't tip me. A little girl cries as she realizes I have face paint on but dances with me after I persuade her with a sucker. I have some ditsy girls tell me my "Holand" soccer jersey is spelled wrong, I guess it's missing and "L". I draw people maps to destinations, after they stop to ask me for directions. Shoot apples off old ladies heads and then eat them. Twist up some fat blunts and smoke with some skaters. Cars pull up and I make sure to clean their windows with my spray bottle, and squeegee. I twist things that aren't there into things that should be and give them to a dozen beautiful passer byers.

Probably my favorite part of the night actually came from me spending a little money. Some dude tells me I'm the worst mime he's ever seen (because I was making sound effects) and then gives me a dollar. So I reach in get his dollar plus another of mine and draw an exit door so I can get some temporary relief from that world. As I step out of my box I hand him the two bucks and say..."Keep your dollar and here have one of mine but only if you promise to not reproduce." His two friends that are with him fall over themselves with laughter. One of his buddies drops a dollar in my bucket and I find myself right back where I started. :D

Mimes can in fact make sound effects...
....Oh and it's my corner, my body, MY IMAGINATION......If I want to hop out of the box and say something to your ignorant ass I can. I mostly only wear the face paint so I don't have to answer your ridiculous questions.

The first time I went out I made squat, the 2nd time a bit more, and this last time was the best. Feeling the flow and letting all those around me know..."THIS IS NOT WAVING!!!" I think tomorrow I'm going to hit up south face paint...just a full battery and the desire to bring home the vegan bacon.

Peace n Flow

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

No no No...That's O.k. No DEMF for me

In the spirit of my new compainion I'm gona focus on festivals instead of life. It's sad for me to say, out loud, finally admit to my brain that I won't be going to DEMF this year. This is a bummer to me in a lot of ways but none bigger then the lineup of just ridiculous dancers that are going this year. So many amazing peoples, not just of the flowing variety, there will be a lot of great peeps moving about funkily. Don't shed a tear in my absence, just run about, creat a muck, maybe another, and dance battle a crazy bum or two.

The resurgence is impressive, hilarious, and amazing!!! Life though is even more so and I had to choose between a large list of things. Deeper dreams realized, still a lot of work to be done, and were doing our best to lay a sturdy foundation. Yes! it pains me to no end, to not see Austins threads, the rippling effects of "3D's" teachings on some of my good friends, TORTURED SOUL LIVE!!!, yes, YES, I'll very much miss the after fest antics. However, the trade off should be something so spectacular it'll blaze the first of many new pages, and it gives me comfort into the gentle person I hope to be.

Sooooo I beg thee! Check out a strip club, maybe ride a plastic horse or two, definitely break away from the cyphers and bug some herbs out at the fest, and no matter what....please....Don't you DARE make a fucking Michigan LEFT! You bust a good ole, clean, AMERICAN, u-turn, and flip the shocked on lookers the bird.

Be safe friends, Have fun, I'll miss ya'll a ton, and hopefully I'll see you at UGS. If not AXIOM...peace...respect...flow

Monday, May 16, 2011

Corners with comfy cushions

So the past few months I've dove in head first. No back up, I'm running into burning buildings, taking stray shots, and coming out with few to no scratches. I'm running through the mine field with a quirky grin. It's like the year previous was a sneak peak and I find myself still attempting to enjoy the nose bleed seats. I reek of something meek but I remember all that I've seen. I remember terrifying screams and the shattering of simple dreams. So I'm jobless at the moment, which for me is a rare feet, and I'm living out of an old duffel bag. This isn't exactly what I had in mind when it came to traveling around. However, higher calling, and a gut wrenching experience in intuition has landed me in the new land of Lebron.

Speaking of...

They got waxed!!! I knew we were going to win tonight, game 1 of a seven game series, and a lot of colorful stories surrounding the opening tip. Sure...sure sure, we didn't win the regular season games by that much. But ummmm, 21 point victory, with insane D, superb 3-point shooting, and an entire highlight real for Taj alone. It was nice to be a bulls fan in Miami...real nice.

Side tracked...sorry.

Soooo, her car is totaled and this is because she was visiting me down in Chicago. So all the things we were possibly talking about became insanely real. The what if's quickly shift to...when. No one is answering but the tension is steadily mounting. There is a lot of mistrust, misdirection, and anxiety circling the daily. Just lost the comma in my bank account and I'm haunted by vision of my birthday visit. Still though, I keep it cool, like a lifetime stock of Klondike least tonight. Other nights have been a bit awkward and disastrous to put it mild.

I do my best to conform, put in time with the family, and be as patient as she might hope me to be. Somewhere between me not cooking anything correctly, re-mopping the floors for the 2nd time, and getting dogged out for properly equipping everyone for a game of Scategories I start to get weary. Still though, I'm an Icebox, I've got so many delicious chocolate ice cream bars inside me you'd have to know the secrete coordinates to see and believe.

I just feel heavy and in the more stressful moments, my flight or fight starts mapping a ridiculous escape plan. I don't know what to do...well...I know, but as the day reaches 7 I start to feel uneasy. I have a head full of Stella and white wine...I'll do my best to keep it under wraps. I love her so much, I do...but sometimes, "Us" together...well it makes me scared. Truly deeply, scared for a lot of things and I don't really understand what to make of it.

Four long days off, time to bond, time to pick, poke, and ask more questions. All the while her eyes running over me, dousing me in doubt, and telling me to relax. "shhh Shhhh, just enjoy yourself..." Says the cabby driving you onto the highway during rush hour traffic. Oh brothers...Sisters...the antics! We are hilarious, no doubt about that but where this road turns next.............Man I just don't know.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I'm happy right now

"I just want to make sure all my loved ones are as happy as they can be. I want to know they are enjoying life to the fullest potential."

This is what I get slapped with on Easter by one of the more influential people in my life. The whole time I'm finding places to stash my tongue and not be over run with the urge to just shout out how I really feel. A lovely women who has survived the trials of life, love, and the trials of a full life. Still I have to stomach this banter and hope it ends quickly.

I do my best to say things like...
"I am happy"
"I'm doing a lot of things with my life. Actually doing a lot more then I ever thought possible."

You know how family is though...right?

It's like they have this set idea of what a normal happy life is. They figured it all out and just want you to fall into some rhythmic state that mirrors their picture perfect existence. Where I become enraged is right around the time that they casually forget about all that beautiful suffering they first had to endure to find their happy ending. I don't know much, I often place myself a few shelves above simpleton, but I do know that life is best lived.

Seriously though...

A few years back I was peddling at a weak speed through the pond of life and felt I wasn't doing alright. Now I find myself on the brink of 29 feeling very fine, like my life line is finally galloping into it's prime, and I'm getting closer to where I might find peace of mind. Sure, for some of you reading this, it's so simple, you just push on and what will be will be. Sad to say I get caught up a lot in the inner workings of my thoughts and whats worse is the inner workings of others thoughts. Still though...I get the feeling like I've got a steady hand on what I'm shuffling and the odds are irrelevant.

So the rest of the family show goes...
Delicious food!
Unsuspecting B-day cake from my amazing loved ones
and a batch of delicious cheese cake!

It's all a bit to late though, I'm already picturing myself bleeding this bottle of Seagram's, watching the Hawks force a game 7 when the rest of the world (including myself) quite on them, and talking to a saucy cubana that knows no limits of my dementia. So hugs are given, kisses pecked, and my pops and I cruise back to his family nest.

Still this clutching at my being!

There is a lot of unknown on the horizon but I'm coming to grips with a whole lot. For starters, yes, I'm a lunatic, who sometimes doesn't think before he speaks, and even worse acts. I'm sorry for the madness and sadness that I've spread. I'm also sorry for the many amazing people I've offended over these past two years. I'll wait patiently for a chance at redemption and if one doesn't present it's self I'll just push on hoping all goes well in their lives. I've come up close and personal with the filthy being that I ultimately dread being. The question now becomes what I will do to stop it from depleting from my happy meanings?!?! I wretched, listen to synthesized publications of smarter men, and hope to one day fully make amends! Till then I twiddle my fingers, work on where Chaplin once left off, and curb the lower base urges of my weaker self.

You don't?

Life is about expression!!!

Yep! All about figuring out how to express the way you feel! All about figuring out how to express the way you wish the world was! Most importantly it's all about bending the world to think in a manner which most suits your taste! We are all fumbling, tumbling, around on this blue pearl and I can't say anyone is more right then the next. I just know over the years what has lead me to feel a bit more secure in the man I'm becoming.

These next few months will require all my cunning and more patience then I've ever known. If you don't know...I trust in few things outside of love...
...soooooo....I'm thinking that it will steer me clear of the wreckage, it will restore my many blessings, and will ultimately shape me into the man I've always hoped to be.

I'm happy right now!!!
I have some of the most amazing friends, we shape the future of our dance, and have a million inside jokes few would understand. I've battled with love and have come back from the worst I've done to myself. I've gained greater insight then I could have ever imagined from living with my father. I'm greeted day after day with fresh new ideas, music, and choices. The world at 28 (soon to be 29) is still a wonderous puzzle to me. I'm going to say I'm happy right now and will be for an extremely long time. You see, "what is the what" is not just an amazing book, it's not just a deep probing question with unlimited answers, it's how I feel about the world is as now! I am the what and I'm so thankful for your love.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

3 words

Tatted on the back of her kneck
three words
I'll leave it to your imagination what three
Last I'd seen my hands were around her wind pipe
Stopping life using my frustration as a motive
Back of the neck
Thats a fine place to put a warning
Dominoes tumble tactfully to place me as the fool
like I knew the rules but still pursued with all my charms
No mark
No maker
& speaking like I'm carrying round a 30 days sober coin
She slithered into my world with out a worry
we lept into madness like it was a sincere gesture
Even though all the while those three words crept around
Like a specter
Could of been the trappings of irony
But I'm a cold hard product of me
I waited, whistled, waited to see
if the uinverse might fetch me my divine comedy
So as the world spun & is still spins
Her & I played with razor blades
danced in & out of revolving doors
Comfort came went but ya know rarely really would it come
All because of those 3 words
Any guess
I've sifted through my side stabbing remarks & suggestions to slowly find
Solace in my mistakes
As I remember wrenching squeezing twisting my fate
Only all the late to see those words inked out of plain site

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

What Dreams May Come

I just awoke from what was argueably the most powerful dream I've ever had. I was thrown into a fully interactive movie, that had to deal with some of the largest demons I've been facing, and it was so deliciously surreal.

Like most dreams I didn't know how or why I was where I was but I ended up going through the motions. I knew I was in a university of some type and I was standing before a bushy old man. I started asking him about a place to live. He told me that he had a really nice apartment that he never rents to anyone. As he described the residence it sounded like everything I was looking for, the price was right to, and I asked what it would take to sway him. He told me nothing and I shouldn't even bother to try. Then suddenly he was rushing me out the door, I complied, because I knew that I was going to be breaking back into the class room as soon as he left, and sure enough I did.

Once in there I began looking for something. It took a little while but in a cabinet I found capsuls of DMT. I ended up injesting one of them and was instantly blasted into a beautiful technicolor of wonder. Demons came to life and danced with angels. I found some DVD about entheogens in his desk and put it onto watch. Time melted away, I came out of the DMT experience (or so I thought), and heard people coming to the class room. Feeling all goldie locks like (the D&B producer(not the little girl(wait a combo of both))) I instantly scramble round the class. Cleaning up after myself, attempting to create an alibi, and generally just freaking out. The professor comes in the room, looking younger for some reason, still carrying a wily mystique about him, and he instantly locks eyes with me. Asks what I'm doing here and I quickly respond to disway you further about letting me rent that apartment. He chuckles loudly, two friends (collegues) come into the classroom, and we all start mixing. Talking about this, that, me extremely nervous as if in any second I'll be had, but some long time goes by without any mention of alternative methods for me being where I am.

At some point, I say to them all, I must leave but before I go. I ask if there is anything I can do to sway him in his opionion about renting the apartment. He laughs this loud haunting cackle and tells me he has a question I must answer.
"When would be the only time you'd say no to a cookie?"
I instantly panic, I feel like I'm stumped on the simplest SAT question ever but eventually I answer.
with wich he replied, "WoW no one has ever given that answer. We might have a winner here."
Again a roar of laughter and soon I'm talking to one of the other people in the room. He's explaining how everyone wants that apartment but he rarely ever rents it out. In fact he himself has been trying to rent it forever. All of a sudden the tension snaps in the room. I'm trying to make a break for the door and the professor corners me. He puts his arm around me and asks if I've taken anything from his classroom. I remember his eyes burning wild with a crazy flint of flame. I answer yes, I instantly begin blurting out things...this is what I remember.
"I took it, because I knew no where else to get it, and I knew that through all my studying it had the ability to help heal what has been fractured and what I have fractured. I didn't mean to do any harm, I just need to figure things out, and knew not how to acquire the substance."
The professor wrapped his arm around me tight and began to whisper. His voice was thunderous, loud, but for some reason only I could hear his words. He opened up part of his T-shirt and a legion on his body came to life licking my face.
"Somethings you may never beable to change, somethings will stay with you forever, and the harder you try the more perverse it might become."
It was about then that I realized his hair was breathing. That nothing on his body ever remained still, it swayed, moved, and floated unconsciously from his actions. His squeeze on me was tight, holding me in place, as he ranted more to me about the fragile venture I am in the middle of.

At some point I freak out, run for the door, and find myself stumbling through the university. I'm being chased, I lose my stalker, duck round a corner, but realize I'm cornered. I know not what to do, i'm peaking around the corner seeing the shape of my assalignt getting closer, and closer. Then from out of no where I see the young man from upstairs (who told me he also had been trying to get the apartment) step round a corner and knock the person chasing me out cold. He tosses me some keys and tells me to run.

We head out of the university and hop into this RIDICULOUS corvette. I put the keys in, rev the engine, and as we peal out I see the professor burst out of the school. Him and the person who my co-pilot knocked out hop in another car. The chase is on but for some reason this suped up car runs like shit. It's automatic but has manual features so I wrestle with the notion that it needs to be in a better gear and BOOOM we take off. Soon though lowjack is calling us through the bluetooth piece in the car. My passenger answers the call, right as I see a giant steel wall fall from the sky. He tries to pass as the professors son, which seems to work, and they appologize for dropping a giant wall in our path. We continue to drive but soon enough the professors car is right on our tail. I spin out lose control, sending us into a ditch, and as I get out of the car the unknown attacker is on me. His image continually changes, it's remarkable, but at the core he looks like me. However hair color gradually fades, face paint comes on and off.

Before I wake up he talks to me about staying on a path. Talks to me about living to laugh and not to worry so much about the outcome. I also hear words from outside of the dream, a thing recently my buddy told me about being gentle when it comes to handling myself, but the last thing I remember before coming to in tears. Is the proffesor walking up to me, I now recognize him, he looks just like my old neigbor that passed away much to soon, and he hands me the keys to an apartment. Saying "We've got much work to do, I trust you."! Hahhaha I woke up and instantly started writing all this down. Some of it is spot on but ya know how fast dreams fade.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Thanks for the CiCi's Mom & Dad

She stuffs slice after slice of pizza in her face. Little gold locks of hair, new cute glasses, with little hearts etched in the side, and she definitely has my fathers smile. We both instantly eye'd up the air hockey machine and I believe it might be the source of her furious pace. This is the 2nd time I've had pizza today and this is depressing to me. Been making some good progress with eating better. My good friend Randy and his Wife force fed me many delicious foods. I tried more new eats this past weekend then I think in my entire life combined. Still, I picked my little sis up after work, she got to choose, and we sit at a CiCi's. "come on Eileen" plays over the speakers and we scoot about dancing in the newly cleaned booth. There was pizza at work today as well. My manager Bud got some for everyone, we were in the middle of getting over run by soccer teams, but I managed to have a few pieces. So I'm sitting in the booth with a gut full of pizza and decide to take a quick snooze. The world goes black (for like 15 seconds) and when I come to my sister is eating cinnamon rolls.

Kids love buffets because for a few seconds, when they run up to that stand of food, they get a sense of freedom, and they grab to their hearts content. I also think they love buffets because they can't actually see the sneeze guard. They get the most direct view of the food, sometimes the look from up high is less then flattering, but then again I'm dining in a 5 dollar pizza buffet.

She can't decide if she wants more food or if she wants to try and settle our air hockey rivalry. I come from competitive people, i just recently asked my dad if he'd like to see who could be the least competitive, and I've got a feeling I'm going to win. So we plunge some quarters into the machine and proceed to slap around a neon green puck. The heated rivalry began a few weeks ago at a Chuckie Cheese. I lost focus for a few minutes and before I knew it the game was 6-6. So now my little sister naturally has some pep in her step and thinks she can take me down. Am I proud to be up on a little kid, YOU BET YOUR ASS!!!, they are so smug, and filled with all this youth.

Two games played, a lot of laughing and taunting shared across the table. Soon enough though we both jet to the buffet again and we don't tell the other what were doing. She grabs one last slice and I a cinnamon roll. Then we stroll out the door stuffing our faces laughing wildly. I do enjoy a lot of things in this funny little story called life. Some of the things I enjoy most are watching my siblings faces light up like every was and will be alright.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

To Fu this may concern prt2

So it seems the seasons have rushed past fast and at last will cross paths. Whats that thing the man behind the curtain use to say, preparation meets opportunity, or something. I've put in the hours, met your equals, and vibed with a large number of the people you've inspired. I have fire in my eyes, rich thick crimson in my veins, and all the best intentions. I ceased communication with you because I just can't handle the thick apathetic cloak the internet provides cynics. I remember you saying a lot of things about the newer dancers, I remember you pushing your philosophy on the very minds you abandoned, and I remember me to poor to fly out and smash you with mine.

However, here we are, and here I go. Just sort of writing freely, generating my thoughts, gaining more composure then I need, and sharpening those little pieces of silver. Shrapnel you'll be picking out of your psyche for a long while. I come to you as I've already stated with the best of intentions and I'm extremely hopeful the ripples of our exchange will greatly enhance this dance. I don't know you, smoke an mirrors is all I have at this point, but I know enough. You were a driving force in this dance at one point but where are you now. To me, there is a great loss in not having you contributing to this amazing dance, and maybe I'm wrong. However, I've had a feeling, a notion for quite sometime, and you are somewhere in it (no homo). So sir, I bring with me the keys to the city, a fistful of memories to pour on the cypher, and a hard heart un pierce-able by your malice.

See you in a few Fu.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

what does a heart know?

The heart knows not what it wants, it just goes, and goes. No real race, or objective that I can see. Feelings upon feelings, freeing the cold calculating being that tries desperately 2 pin life down bringing sense and reason to the realm of feeling.

So maybe were not all in touch with our emotions and then again the coin flips showing us those that are ruled by them. I know that they are there and I see the way the ravage all my loved ones affairs. A friend of mine spoke to me recently about applying a gentleness towards the inner forgiveness I'm so desperately seeking these days. These lines are a lot of things but definitely a passing on of that advice. Because ultimately...truthfully for me, LIFE, is the greatest teacher of all.

The things we think we want, in time we learn that maybe aren't really what we need, and then eventually end up becoming the things will never truly possess. Instead they will possess us, they will own us, rule us, fuel us, and get our pulses racing something spectacular. I know I'm gushing here, I'm just riding that wave, the heart beats so loud in my chest at this very moment, stirred up by the infinite possibilities of my life, and hoping that I can somehow begin to once again guide it with love. For what life has taught me is when I'm not doing that, I find myself in some dark places, doing deeds, that make desperation seem decent.

A breath of life, a fleck of god, a karmic game filled with know it all snobs. Then we wonder why we weep about all we could have had, should of had, and may never know. In between the tears, I'd just like to apply those that have lived bold, and hope that your able to understand at the end what you truly hold. The heart knows not, the head holds our surroundings to a standard, but ultimately we take the data from both in and produce the story that is our lives.

For those of you who don't know, mines been a crazy roller coaster, chaos goes limp dicked when I'm around, and most of the time I like it that way. Born to burn so beautifully and bright. BORN TO WRITE! and I hope you likes....goodnight :P

Friday, March 4, 2011

A nap before I blast...

Holy hell!

The day was all like BaNG! BOW! PoW! 8% tip, staring contest with some kids, and trying not to smash adults in the face for being unable to choose between ranch and blue cheese. I just worked about seven days in a row..........felt like two full weeks but at the end of it my good friend Kyle showed up at the ole Black n Yellow.

He was the 2nd visitor today...
...From out of no where she sort of floated in. I haven't seen her in about a year and a half. She looks more marvelous then I could have ever remembered. However she talks with a chip I don't remember. Healing, playing super tuff, and all I can help doing is drowning in those soft sea blue eyes. Attempting to keep up with her loud rattling laugh and do my best to not smother a warm situation.

But quickly after she leaves, after the mist rolls through the diner, a sea of hungry families come staggering through, and it's back to all those animated batman words I was typing at the start. Except this time I have someone to train......not sure I did a good job because all I could think about was where I would be tomorrow.

So kyle shows up (sorry) and we peace out from my work. I leave my bike there, yep, I'm that excited, and head back to my newish residence. I do a quick wardrobe change, try to hide my hickey from the mother, and bam! out the door we go. The plan is to hit up this free EDM night, here some tunes, break the ice, and get ready for what will be an extremely fun weekend.

Pizza is eaten, a few drinks are had, and I catch this groove similar to the one I caught on Tuesday night. Things begin clicking, inner monolog goes silent, and it all starts gushing out of me. The best part of it all, is I can feel that smirk that started creeping in a few days ago, stretching my face to where it will be all weekend, and I'm so thankful to be alive.

Some texting, with peeps to lay down the last minutes plans, dance dance dance, TMY tells me about swapping people for people, and I imagine how great it would be to have people on hand. Ya know, sort of like an RPG, you could trade them in and out for particular situations, functions etc... From out of no where this girl comes up to me and informs me that two doors down there is a funk jam going. I bolt! out the door, Kyle must have seen this all happen and keeps pace. I feel bad, but I know there will be good dancers here. I need to smash! I want to get a reaction! I want to step out into whatever I do tomorrow and know that I did it first in front of a group of people who have little to no idea who I am.

Show the ID, step through the doors, and within 3 mins it's on. Two of Tampas finest are there, truly, no sarcasm there. I've grown to respect the dance scene down here and am taking notes for when I move back to Chicago. They've got a lot of great crews, with little to no beef, and a lot of Talent. I get a few "ooooh's" but nothing to really rattle the rib cages. Talk shop for a bit and peace out. Float out I should say and I'm so excited to be going to Tennessee...who'd of thunk.

I have amazing family around me these days, people I love, and admire. However coming from Chicago are friends that fan the flames of my follies. The people I know that have seen me at my best, worst, most twisted, and vulnerable. Some of my equals... Will share ideas, make up new scenarios, inside jokes, and move around the city as if it owed us a good time. I'm elated for the hugs, the high fives, the surprises, the unexpected, the feeling that things don't change but finally in that good way. Soooooo Excited to see YOU!!! and even you too! One for the books and it couldn't have come at a better time.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


I'm gona ride out on the minotaur I rode in on & leave ya'll to the hedge maze
I'm gona astound & amaze as if I've got something to say
but em with some recycled humor I partook in the funny papers from past days
I trail blaze
Burning skeptics
leaving crowd fulls of would be witnesses
to their flimsy little gimics
I'm 1/2 baffled & 1/2 betrayed by my senses these days
barely able to finish my sneaky evil ways
an lay
by my procrastination & the calling of a revisited phase
as the world escalates to Escalades
I'm unamazed
Peddling my teal charriot to wrok to collect Rednecks change
1/2 hero the other 1/2 deranged
feeling betrayed
by the fairy tales I was told as I prayed
to forever hold my soul to rest
A rekindling of the poison my paternal parriahs tried to suggest
Instead of letting me know from the start I was blessed
But there is no more hate! I <3>
I must confess
The struggle to pen my own historic verse & rise above the hardship
All smiles no computer chip
Living off love with a fistful of sarcastic wit
And a shit ton of grit

I've been hiding from myself

I need to make these keys click and clack. I've been burning the ole candle at both ends again but not in the most positive of ways.

To Update:
Been living in Florida for the past few months and working the worst job of my entire life. I'm not kidding, not using colorful wording, exaggerating, or anything. The people I work with hate themselves, the customers, the managers, and if I didn't know better life its self. The customers are 50/50, half of them are redneck ass bags that can barely muster up the strength to tip at 10% (if you didn't know the nation wide standard is 15%), then the other half seem to be latinos who suffer from the same ineptitude as the rednecks. Both parties descend on my job like locust, bringing their poorly behaved children, and suck down as many wings as they can. It's really depressing, I've become somewhat numb to it, but sometimes I do punch the computer's either that or little Levi (that's a common boys name(round here)) gets an incidental knee as I'm walking by.

Your probably thinking...
"this isn't like Tom, where are his colorful praises for humanity. His joyous words about how everything works out and it's all about love. Spread the love, yadda yadda, etc..."

Yeah...Uhhh...I think I'll find my way back there. Just right now, for a lot of reasons I'm being tested. For now most days, I dream, I day dream, I mean, I close my eyes and see gruesome scenes. Of me and blood curdling screams...flashes of black, I can't see, then red, the black, "NO stop please! Were in a recession! I just don't have the money to tip you!!!" Loud chain saw noises in surround sound. I can feel the vibrations of the pulsing machine in my firm grip. Flash Black, then Flash I see my face, steaming red, blood smears from the previous patrons, veins pulsing out of my dome, and with a wicked cry I scream. "THEN YOU SHOULD OF WENT TO KFC BITCH!!! VINNNN VINNNNNN MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA hhhhhhhhhhhaaaAHHhAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhh not the children!!!! And when I'm done with the customers I move onto a few select co-workers :)

I KID!!!

Look, I'm able to pull the positive from all of this, but I needed to vent. You wanted to read, so I decided to make it comical and sadistic. The ole one two punch! When I'm not re living murderous scene's in my mind I picture a variety of other things. I have some great trips coming up these next two months, some amazing hands to high five, swap stories, and build even more amazing memories with. I like to day dream about next fall, when I hoping around this melting pot of the world, sipping tea, trying to eat green, and seeing all the things I'd like to see. What the couches will be like...
How much I'll learn from so many amazing dancers...
The various trouble I'll get into...
I do drift, to the clouds, to happy places but I'm sad to report most of the time I'm hobbling around thinking to much about what has already been.

My mind loves to work backwards. I'll just jump into a situation, with out to much thought, really take to it, BANG!, shot out of a cannon, and don't usually stop to think till after the fact. HAhAHA! 28 ya think I might know myself a little better but ya know like the title says :) So lately I've been thinking a lot about what I should have done, what I could have done, and attempting to now calculate the outcome of my various consequences. My knee continually throbs, my back hurts in new ways, and there are few days I don't spit blood. So...hmm...I guess excuse me while I wallow, only a little bit, and for a little while.

I realize I have so many more great things to write, create, and be apart of. So maybe I'm finally taking the time to put this up in writings because I'm turning a corner? Or I could be a bit over worked and just needed to vent... ...It feels nice to grease this wireless key board with the days failures and follies. I've got to get up and do it all over again tomorrow, in fact I have no more days off till I ride out to Confluence. That meet up has been a shimmering little white light for the past month and friday can't come soon enough.

I take responsibility for my actions...
To those of you I've harmed in carelessness this past year, I'm truly sorry, and reap the mental backlash ten fold these days.
To those of you that I've helped with steadfast passion, your welcome, and give a motherfucker a call some time :D

The best part of my life right now is my family!

I love the dinners, watching my little sis spin her gears around all the things that are said, listening to the cheezy jokes of my pops, and tasting the delicious meals made by one of the most amazing ladies on this earth. I smile, sometimes don't say a word...silence...that's when you can tell I'm taking it all in.

So, yeah the job sucks, but at least I have one
Yeah, my body is growing old and injuries I've put off for a few years now have picked up steam but at least I dance with my fingers now
And yeah I'm a paranoid wreck that sometimes over thinks himself into a daze but....
..............HahhAH! If you've got a "but" for that last one drop it in the comments.

Much Love and Respect

Monday, February 7, 2011


Her name is unspeakable only sprawled out across inky black skys, in her was born a dream that will never die, love to live n give into some lie, learn to forgive and fell blessed you were given a try...she is I and I am sly, a cool fool with the ocean in his eyes, a potion of humble pride and a notion that I'm so much more then just alive, she gave me life and sadly I had to let her die.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

this one is about you Too!

To be honest!

I don't know what the fuck you mean to me?!?!??!?!

I see you in every smile, I taste you on my lips, and thought I bathed in you during that last eclipse. Now, I come to find that your running a muck all about my city, and I'm wondering if it's because I bounced. I talked with you before I left, apologized for what I did the months previous, and swore how we'd still write something good about us. Still though, you tear those I hold dearest to me apart, then bring all these unforeseeable's into the equation and I'm left wondering what it all means. I'm thankful for the few budding relationships I see blossoming through out the bitter winter months but I'm just skeptical of your healing powers these days.

Her name, well, it's not important, but she came along only a few weeks after I did. Flashbacks of a task from my past but with way less streets smart then the one previous. Still pretty face, an un-cureable case, and loads of time to waste. So I play the background, I learn about the here and now but time speeds up to a very tragic relapse. I'm left hearing a crash and a bitter laugh. Like I said her name isn't important but her condition should be outlined.

Addiction: Most of us suffer from some sort of this word. She happen to pop pharmE's and recently got out of re-hab for said addiction. I was pleased to sit next to her vulnerabilities and even more pleased to find myself entrusted with them. The weeks wore on though...
...Things became worse for her and like a fast flash of light she used again. I noticed the hope leave her crystal green eyes one day but thought myself brave enough to fan the flames. Instead...She drove herself over the edge. To be fair to that cliff...
...She drank to much, hid from the only person round these parts she said she trusted, and perfected her dismount into a relapse in plain site. I'm inclined to learn that no one can be saved when they are faking fine in plain site. Still though...I won't see her anymore. She's long gone, checked back into treatment, and I'm left with a lot of co-workers asking.

"Hey, do you know where she moved to?"
"Do you know what was going on?"

And I always reply the same...

"Not a clue"

Because I'm left feeling that way, clueless...

You think treatment is going to heal you? It's almost like saying... "I can't fix this myself, I can't trust myself, or those around I must sterilize my environment to overcome the ugly which feeds my fire." What happens when the natural dirt that passes over all of us, starts to once again slowly collect on your existence? Do you rinse, repeat, and find yourself with in the confines of strangers paid to help you acquire your penance? COWARD!!! hahhaha! When I think of all the fun we could have had dismantling, remantiling, and whatever together on n on into forever. Your friend, companion, and confidant I'd gladly of played. No one would have been the wiser, and maybe by spring time you'd of been on your way to California.

However, I'm left thinking...weakness! Loneliness! Desperation! Your seductive allure will not fully fool me. It will however lock me in a room, with a comfy couch, a 1000+ TV channels and oh so many bad movies to choose from. I think I've watched the remake of the Clash of the Titans from start to finish, middle to climax, start to huberace, and final battle scene to credits more then I ever care to know. I sit miles away from the conflict at hand but still feel a sad sinking in my chest...I feel a burden...a if I would have just manned the fuck up none of this would have happened.

To those involved...
...In all that your feeling! I'm sorry! Just so you know, hating those that have replaced you won't make it any better. Blaming yourself for not fessing up to it all sooner won't make it any easier. Demanding resolutions that are unobtainable to even the most rationale of human hearts will only further cement you into a world of hopelessness. I think, well, I've been taught that if you love someone, the most you can hope for is that they will ultimately be happy and find exactly what they are looking for.

Easier said then done...

Some of us just give up on hoping a person will get it together. Others are never really capable of being honest with the ones we love most. Then again some of us suffer from never truly being able to be honest with ourselves. The manic mad man typing away at these keys suffers from all of these and I urge you to seize your paranoia and let them beez :D Make amends where n when you can and just realize ultimately you have control over one vessel on this journey. The choices of others, the actions that snowball and smash into your happy have little control over all that. However, how we react to said actions, well I believe thats what writes the pages of our legacies.

So it wouldn't be a complete thrashing of all things love if I didn't look at my own life. Alone! I've done this to myself...yet again, but this's trickier then all times previous. I watch from a far at the one I so fondly had high hopes for and see her growing in all the ways I'd of wished when we were "we". It's the stabbing comical irony of it all...I'm just happy to see the imprint I've left on her life. However, as I curl up, under sheets of delusion, kissing possible princesses, and what could be I'm bound to my hinsite. The master narrative writes on and I move off of faith these days. Like one day "August and Everything" will make some sense and I will be in the service of the queen. That is not to say those that were nice enough to come before her weren't royalty. Just ya know, that one, that gets you, from the start, and actually takes the time to put in the effort. I hate dropping them, even more so I hate putting them back together, but what the fuck are friends for.

Someone, who doesn't think to highly of me called me delusional but in the same breath is plagued by my very existence. I find this to be hilariously paradoxical...
...If I'm so crazy, so far off base, and abstract. Then how on earth could I ever affect your life in some form or another. Silly me, slipping around, ear buds wedged in, playing a folder full of music from someone other then myself, and all the while thinking about the health of others. I guess in my stumbling childishness I forgot to kiss the rings of those unfit to wear them.

In a long, crazy round about way, I'd like to say...


It's makes us and as a young hostess at my work learned this past week it governs all we do. To me, it's GOD, and it's what we continually reach for. The coldest of hearts are warmed by it and the purest pump it freely into their surroundings. Maybe we don't express it the same way and maybe people come along in our lives that make us question if we're expressing it properly at all. I just urge every single person I come in contact with to share themselves fully and honestly. Ya know! Cut down on the whose who and get down to brass tax. That way we don't end up wasting the precious seconds that drip from our hearts. Sappy! O.k. but know this...I've sacrificed more then I care to reveal for those for little letters and knowing me I'll do it all over again. I just hope every single one of you does the same...starting with yourself!


Monday, January 24, 2011

Foot traffic in Tampa = non existent

I get off work and I have that itch, the one that I use to have so frequently and the means to scratch it. So I peddle home as fast as I can, eat some grubs, and get all the things ready I'll need tomorrow. Set my alarm for an obscenely early time and drift off to sleep underneath that starry night. When the beeping begins I hop up out of my bed and jump into the shower. I have this small window available to me. mama bear usually drives to work and passes the greater Downtown Tampa sprawling metropolis of hugeness and I hope to catch a ride.

She takes my little sister to school, comes back, starts cooking dinner for the house many hours in advance, and soon enough were piling into the car. Chatting about this, that, family, and what matters to me most. I get dropped off in front of the St. Petetimes forum and exhale. My first instinct is to go check out channel side, see if I can get some info on if any boats are coming in today. As the day would have it, I happen to cross paths with a beautiful feline, and she's opening up her shop for the day. We exchange pleasantries, I spend some savy on mine, and her complection goes rosey. A pep in my step, I have no idea how this day will turn out, but I'm so glad to be out of the house.

For the most part on my days off from work, I do a lot of homebody activities...
& way more sleep then I've ever known

Sure, the above list sounds like a dream come true, to you, and maybe others you know. To me, it's a stale jail sentence, and I know I've imposed it on myself for a reason. Still though, it's great to be out and about with the rest of the world. I walk all of what is known as channelside in a manner of minutes. I decide to stumble into the cute girls store and ask the million dollar question.
"Do you know where might be the best place to catch some foot traffic today?"
I get laughed at in the kindest way possible and hipped to the sad fact that there is none to be found in channel side.
"You have to come by when there are boats."
I'm told that I could make a killing if I came through when the tourist were out n about stretching their legs.

I feel a slim stab of defeat sinking in, I look at my massive speaker, and get to using my new dress sneakers. I begin walking to downtown Tampa, following my gut, attempting to spot some place that might have some foot traffic. It's hard for me to really describe downtown Tampa, but I'll do my best...


Yeah, that about sums it up...haha! I head towards the "art district (block)" and see this massive building. It's the Childrens Museum and I'm struck with a great idea. I'll just set up in front of it, well, off to the side, but where everyone has to walk by. I'll lay down my bucket and get to work. With all the various kiddies and mom's I'm sure to make some loot. WRONG!!! I'm there for an hour and I believe I count 8 people that walk by. When they go to shoot another zombie apocolypse movie, I nominate Tampa for the on site location, but still at least I'm out of the house.

I decide to go with what worked previously...I post up next to a CVS and quickly get some attention from a sub specialist.
"what are you doing?"
"ummm getting ready to dance, try to make some money so I can come in and have you make me a delicious sandwhich...ya'll got tuna and spinnach?"
"What like poplocking?"
"Uhhh yeah some poplocking but mostly liquids"
*Confused look but cheezy smile, with a crisp turn back to her subway*

I'm getting into a rhytm when the strangest of characters comes creeping up from creeps ville. He asks...
"how long have you been dancing"
"20 minutes"
"yeah, bout 10 years for me, mostly clubs and such."
He then proceeds to watch me from various angles, somtimes behind me, off to the side, and occasionally joining the homeless dudes that have set up shop on some near by benches. Through out the few hours I spend on this corner he comes and goes. Everytime he leaves he tells me where he is going and when he'll be back. It's hard to creep me out, truly, I'm the sort of guy who sniffs strangers, but this dude really wore me out quickly.

In between those moments of contempt though a beautiful day crept through. I pored through a lot of classic tracks and smiled at the passer byers. It's 70 degrees out and I begin to start sweating after a couple tracks. A quick strip tease for some passing peoples and I'm kicking it in the middle of the winter in my T-shirt. I do miss the snow, the cold, but not on days like this :D

Lunch time rolls round and there are people walking about. By no means would I call this foot traffic but at least I'm starting to see a variety of faces. I'm kiddy corner to the main police head quarters, so a lot of those faces, have badges, and guns but seem to not mind my presense. Across the street there is a hot dog vendor who has been laughing and waving at me through out the past hour. He finally comes up close, watches for a few seconds, and stuffs some folded into my bucket. Then like old psychic friends we both go for a high five at the same time...SLAP! He heads back to his post and I decide to switch over to some funk.

I'm bumping "Hollywood swinging" thinking bout how great it would be to get a soul train line going on the street. Then from out of no where I lock eyes with this scraggly bum, he's singing along, and I realize I am too. As he passes by a low five is exchanged, and something jive slips left around the block. I seriously enjoy seeing peoples expressions, the good, the bad, the speculative, and every contourting in between (sorry no spell check on the puter Im using :( ). However one of the risks you run, banging in beats on a corner, can come with the occasional "serving" from a random stranger. Today, was going so good, I was totally in the clear, but BAM! from out of no where. This dirty red head hobo hits me with a six pack of freshness and has all these crazy grunts to go along with it. I'm dazed, my witts leak out from my anus (I'm naturally a smart ass) and flow to the nearest gutter. He's won! He knows it! and says...
"That's right!"
As him and his posse of crazy bums find another person to put in their place. I've made it a new point in life to just let it be. If a person smells like they've been huffing pledge you probably should just always let them win and be happy they don't stay to lecture you on the 2nd coming of Christ.

Glad to be out, grateful for the few dollars that have found their way into my bucket but the true treat comes strutting across the street. Thick black & white framed glasses, a classy strutt, cute business skirt, and carrying a copy of "kafka @ the beach". Eyes meet and she passes me a smile. We talk for a minute, two tops, and I enjoy our quick exchange. She has a simple warmth about her, is sweet, and seems to enjoy our playful dialog. All to fast though she's turning heads elsewhere and I'm happy to have had my neck snapped. Couple finger wiggles here, a dash of levers there, rail, rail, contour...AIR POSE! My bucket gets a big heavier and I watch this extremely confused man walk right into the door of the CVS as he takes in the sidewalk spectacle.

.......From returns!

This time telling me about how "we" should go to channel side. How "I" could hop in his van and he could take me there. And how "he" has some taffy in his pocket if I'd like to take it. O.k. the last one is a lie but what the hell else was he jingling in those slacks? I decline the ride in the rape van, pack up my things and start to head far the fuck away from him. I decide to walk back to where my day began, thinking, the stores are open now, and maybe there would be foot traffic. As I walk along with my dolly and PA system I make break core tracks. This cobble stone is weird and weaves along the path in various ways. so you can ride a line and get the...
Dit dit dit dit
and then switch over and itch to a groove that is like
So I make music for only me and before I know it I'm back where I started.

And it's still dead...So I decide to get some eats. There were many opitions, I thought about Bennigans, but ultimately I needed to be reminded of my simple mind. So I sit on 1-11-11 (the power of five through one) sucking down a greenish looking carbonated syrup drink. Orange shorts slap past me & I get caught up on what could have been. Not dwelling but playing that ole what if game for a short while. I don't come to Hooters for the girls, or the orange shorts, or the 9 dollar grill cheese sandwhich. I come to remind myself of how clumsy and carefree one person can continually be with a four letter word. My waitress is only a few bad weeks away from moving to a "Tilted Kilt" or some other similar establishment and we do little talking. I eat my sammich, watch some sportscenter, and get back out to boogey.

She comes out...from the store...the girl from this morning and as she passes she giggles without cunning. Quickly she flips out a smart phone and starts filming me wave. Not at her keep in mind but all over the empty sidewalks. I ask for a date, she says she doesn't know me, and I explain thats what dates are all about. Shot down! However, she does it with grace, style, and at this point in my life I'm definitely use to it. It's all about the chase anyways right? Like, when you do get it, your not sure what to do anymore, or however the joker said it.

So all n all I made like 18 bucks but got out a lot of pent up aggression. I decide to spend the rest of the day exploring the mean streets of Tampa. This takes all of an hour and a half. I'm left walking to my step mothers job bumping chunes out my sweet baby and dreaming of Chicago public transportation. My new surroundings are strange to me but I'm an oppurtunist and will make the best of what I've been given.

Till next time...