"I just want to make sure all my loved ones are as happy as they can be. I want to know they are enjoying life to the fullest potential."
This is what I get slapped with on Easter by one of the more influential people in my life. The whole time I'm finding places to stash my tongue and not be over run with the urge to just shout out how I really feel. A lovely women who has survived the trials of life, love, and the trials of a full life. Still I have to stomach this banter and hope it ends quickly.
I do my best to say things like...
"I am happy"
"I'm doing a lot of things with my life. Actually doing a lot more then I ever thought possible."
You know how family is though...right?
It's like they have this set idea of what a normal happy life is. They figured it all out and just want you to fall into some rhythmic state that mirrors their picture perfect existence. Where I become enraged is right around the time that they casually forget about all that beautiful suffering they first had to endure to find their happy ending. I don't know much, I often place myself a few shelves above simpleton, but I do know that life is best lived.
A few years back I was peddling at a weak speed through the pond of life and felt I wasn't doing alright. Now I find myself on the brink of 29 feeling very fine, like my life line is finally galloping into it's prime, and I'm getting closer to where I might find peace of mind. Sure, for some of you reading this, it's so simple, you just push on and what will be will be. Sad to say I get caught up a lot in the inner workings of my thoughts and whats worse is the inner workings of others thoughts. Still though...I get the feeling like I've got a steady hand on what I'm shuffling and the odds are irrelevant.
So the rest of the family show goes...
Unsuspecting B-day cake from my amazing loved ones
and a batch of delicious cheese cake!
It's all a bit to late though, I'm already picturing myself bleeding this bottle of Seagram's, watching the Hawks force a game 7 when the rest of the world (including myself) quite on them, and talking to a saucy cubana that knows no limits of my dementia. So hugs are given, kisses pecked, and my pops and I cruise back to his family nest.
Still this clutching at my being!
There is a lot of unknown on the horizon but I'm coming to grips with a whole lot. For starters, yes, I'm a lunatic, who sometimes doesn't think before he speaks, and even worse acts. I'm sorry for the madness and sadness that I've spread. I'm also sorry for the many amazing people I've offended over these past two years. I'll wait patiently for a chance at redemption and if one doesn't present it's self I'll just push on hoping all goes well in their lives. I've come up close and personal with the filthy being that I ultimately dread being. The question now becomes what I will do to stop it from depleting from my happy meanings?!?! I wretched, listen to synthesized publications of smarter men, and hope to one day fully make amends! Till then I twiddle my fingers, work on where Chaplin once left off, and curb the lower base urges of my weaker self.
You see...wait...you don't?
Life is about expression!!!
Yep! All about figuring out how to express the way you feel! All about figuring out how to express the way you wish the world was! Most importantly it's all about bending the world to think in a manner which most suits your taste! We are all fumbling, tumbling, around on this blue pearl and I can't say anyone is more right then the next. I just know over the years what has lead me to feel a bit more secure in the man I'm becoming.
These next few months will require all my cunning and more patience then I've ever known. If you don't know...I trust in few things outside of love...
...soooooo....I'm thinking that it will steer me clear of the wreckage, it will restore my many blessings, and will ultimately shape me into the man I've always hoped to be.
I'm happy right now!!!
I have some of the most amazing friends, we shape the future of our dance, and have a million inside jokes few would understand. I've battled with love and have come back from the worst I've done to myself. I've gained greater insight then I could have ever imagined from living with my father. I'm greeted day after day with fresh new ideas, music, and choices. The world at 28 (soon to be 29) is still a wonderous puzzle to me. I'm going to say I'm happy right now and will be for an extremely long time. You see, "what is the what" is not just an amazing book, it's not just a deep probing question with unlimited answers, it's how I feel about the world is as now! I am the what and I'm so thankful for your love.