I picked a specific lecture series on the ego...
The last few months I was around in Chicago I was very much a man destroyed by his own ego. Scared to go out into the night air for a lot of reasons but mostly that I wouldn't be able to sit on my own two fucking lips. I see things in the world I don't like, I want to change them, and I feel I have the will to change them. At the cost of others feelings, my own well being, and the natural order of things. Then there are the things I see that I like, that I can't have, and I begin to shift pieces around to see just how close I can get to them. The ego is a powerful construct of the mind and for some it can end up piloting the whole ship. The last few months I felt swallowed up by mine and extremely scared of what might come up and out. So I cruise and listen to this older gentlemen tell me all the things I should have already known. All the madness and wisdom that I think most of us could learn to digest. Into the thick black night passing into Kentucky.
I get anxious and find myself longing for human interaction...it's about 3 in the morning...so I ring what I hope to be one of my new friends down in Florida. His name is Kyle, he goes by NEWT, and you can tell I've woken him up. BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! HAHAHHHAhahhA!!! This maniac, cruising at extremely high speeds, begins asking an insane amount of questions rapid fire, and all to an unsuspecting person. Kyle is a great sport, we get to know one another, hobbies, hopes, and all the tiny innumerable s that I soon forget. I tend to learn and re-learn people, I don't know if it's a subconscious hope to breed consistency or just the early stages of me being a burn out. We put some loose plans together to meet up soonish and get down with some liquids. He tells me about his plaid sunglasses and I about swirve off the road causing what I'm sure would have been the most excitement most of these farmers have seen in months. We burn through a nice hour long talk and I resume my listening to VERY VERY LOUD MUSIC.
I have a few tracks cued up for sunrise and as she starts to shimmy up the coast line I get tingles of anticipation through my knuckles. Yep! still drilling, still thinking that this is all really finally happening...
to save as much money as humanly possible...
a)Largest group of monies will be thrown into CD's to accumulate interest while I head out for (b). After I return from (b) withdraw said monies and buy myself a nice plot of city space in Chicago. Invite artists that I've known over the years that are serious, dedicated, and have a death grip on their crafts to come live with me to create.
b)Smaller group of monies will be my rocket fuel to travel to places I've only seen through the rapid fluttering of my eyelids. Main destination being "Just Debut" in France. I want to use that event, the events surrounding it, to properly spread the liquids, and get my name out into the world. I also hope to travel, write many pages, meet many lovely faces, crash on foreign couches, and choke out this wanderlust that eats away at my soul.
That's the plan and as the sun pokes her head out illuminating the mountain sides I let my sunrise playlist rock out. The rich colors...Oh how they dazzle these already frazzled senses. Tree tops splashed with all the fantastic colors I hold dearest. I've enjoyed many a sunrise this past year, one in particular, Sinner man leaked out from an iPhone, the horsemen still grinning from an amazing adventure, and I was daydreaming something of my present visuals. This time it's London Electricity, emancipator, and Alkaline Trio...I'm alone...but ya know...only physically. The road takes me up and down, winding round, beauty at every turn, and I'm so happy to be traveling through this great country during Fall. I love fall...
To Me (it's important to say that)
Life is a lot about toiling away at the things that move you most. It can be hard to find those things, once you do, it's important to shift gears and run that engine till the cylinders go POP!!! So, life is cycles, it is seasons, and TO ME each one of those seasons has an extremely important function to completing a years work.
Winter-This is when the less daring mammals hibernate, plan for the spring, and enjoy the simpler things in life; I however, hit the pavement twice as hard, so I can gain ground on those that either got a head start in life via birth place, better genetic make up, or in that rare case are just much better at the game then yours truly. I also enjoy sipping whiskey and shoveling driveways to Slipknot...maybe yours...who knows. It's important to note, I feel winter is a lot about reflection, looking at the past year and taking in what came to be, could have been, should have been, and finding the happiness in it all. The comfort to become reborn as we approach...
Spring-Fresh, NEW, hope, and the smell of things to come. Plans are in motion, others maybe come to your aid, but whatever the objectives of that year are should be firmly in place. I always begin to notice the new attachments in my life and start to decide whether these belong or not. This is my born season and always find myself doing way to much. :D
Summer-HOT HOT HOT!!! Full swing, eye on the prize, and working with a feverish pace. You can find me like eggs on blacktop, topnotch, and probably a bit to much so. This is where you start to see what will be, a lot of times it can be hard to face that reality, but it's important to. It's important to know where you stand with your objectives and let delusion cloud you no more. Sure take on a few more side projects but don't think it's going to complete whatever your pushing towards. Because ultimately...
Fall comes...If you've never seen the movie "The Fall"[<---click it come on :)] I definitely suggest you check it out. Hell I'll mail it to you, or forward you a torrent, or somefin...it's a good one! So, umm, yeah...Fall comes. What will be will ultimately be and we give into the inevitable feeling. The changing of colors, the culmination of the summers labors, and finally the results.
This past year...WoW...I think about it all as the miles add up
Pit stop...hop out dump 65 dollars worth of gas into my panther like automobile. While thats filling I head into the Mcdonalds, haven't had something from here since TMY n I were in Wisco, and I know why :D Grab something to go, it's hot it's got cheese, and It doesn't take to much time off the clock. That clock, the tick tick ticking!!! I'm doing the math and it doesn't look good. So I put the pump back hop into my beast, without a goodbye or a peace, I'm back out there ripping up pavement.
So yeah this past year, has been one of the most amazing in my life, for a lot of good reasons, and some bad ones too. All in all, I believe I was telling one of my good friends, I've done more living in this past two years then I can even comprehend. All foreshadowing aside, I begin to comprehend a lot of it as I come into Georgia...I bump a little LuDa! "we on that grind...all the time...Nothing BUt GEORGIA!!" yeah, sorry, whatever... So many great memories, however, the stinging bite of recent memories flood my wispy eyes and that just means I need to turn the music louder.
I start to pass Atlanta which means I'm getting real close to my destination. Up until this point I've been cruising, pissing in plastic vitamin water bottles, one hand on the wheel other on the bottle, steady, STEADY, watch the levels, put the cap on, hide safely and not stopping!...NOT STOPPING! Well expect this one stop, a relapse if you will, an extreme guilty pleasure, dark and brooding. Other then that though, cruising, and feeling mighty peppy (thanks Rachel n TMY) but as I pass Atlanta I start to doze off. I do some calculations and think I can take an hour nap n still make it to my fathers in time.
I pull off and over, I pass out in record time, CRAZY DREAMS smash into my sleep space and I jump to life. I grab the wheel and freak out!!! WTF!!! did I oversleep how long have I been out 1/2 n hour...fuck it...can't risk it. This rental is costing me a large sum of money per day and I hop back on that interstate...slam a five hour energy...push my PA to it's limits and sail towards a world of unknown.
I cross into Florida and much to my good fortune I end up drifting behind a guy doing 100+. The perfect Gofer...Teee Heee all the way home! I pass by Gainesville...birth place of Tom Petty and for some reason I've always pictured myself retiring there...as if some day I would end up having a career that would allow me to retire. :D So I cruise along and I begin to realize, I'm going to make it on time, and with maybe an hour to spare. Happy dance ensues and I forget that I'm teetering on two days with little to know sleep.
I come into the Tampa Bay area, hop on the interstate that leads me to my new house, and BAM! I'm greeted by a large confederate flag. So I salute the shit out of that shit and chuckle something truthful..."Oh the SOUTH, how I've missed you so, and I can't wait to see what we do together this time." A few more songs later and I'm pulling into my fathers lovely drive way. DELIRIOUS!!! Slightly ahead of schedule and extremely hungry.
I come into the house and I'm greeted with a great big hug. The two, that is to say, the few, scrawny, knotty knees and beautiful eyes of blue. Take to unloading this sleek SUV and getting what little remains of my worldly possesions into my new confides. He then alerts me to a delicious stew that has been cooked. I salivate as soon as he begins forming the words that would inevitably lead me into the kitchen. OH MY GOODNESS!!! My stepmomz is the bestest! I woof it down, hop into my black chariot and follow the spitting image of what I'm sure I'll one day grow to be. Back past that damn confederate flag, over bridges, under some others, and all the while I'm think WHOA! I'm a long home from my lovely windy...
I get the car to the rental company with 25 minutes to spare, full tank of gas, and no additional charges. Jason Statham ain't got shit on ME!
Welcome Home...I come into my room...I set down a few last things...I look at the wall over my bed and what is hanging there.
FUCKING STARRY NIGHT by Van Gogh!
O.k. world, universe, infinite cosmos, I'm listening, possibly maybe, speak clearly this time and will get through this with best intentions in tact.
Much love and respect with all those that helped me before my departure. The sammichs made by Nelly. Packing, cleaning help, from Daisy, Casey, and Chris. The weird ramblings shared by Kai and I days before my departure. TMY for scooping them mirrors and giving them a good home. Man...ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE that I long to hug! I miss you more then I can even begin to convey. Thank you so much for believing in me and helping me bring to life a little slice of heaven. I re-heat it daily, welp, somedays I just take a slice out the fridge and eat that shit cold...some might say it's better that way.