Sunday, October 7, 2012

The only real Choice we have to make

I feel a bit numb at this moment...
...So I grace these keys with what will be. 
...If you are still alive then you haven't done it right
if you slowly kill yourself in a million other ways, enjoy the ride

Suffering, for all it's worth isn't so bad, when I continually find myself running into people that just want to die, and for some reason feel safe enough to share that longing with me.  In the past few years, I've had a lot of friends leave this experience on their own accord, and I have many more that hide their tears from the general public.  Some I was so close to ground zero when the bomb went off I still feel as if the base of my spirit is fragile and weak.  Others I was removed from by many years and can't wrap my brain around why they didn't reach out to me.

I don't judge at this point but there once was a time.

I was exiting middle school, dating an older girl, she was long flowing strands of blonde, manic depressive, and very much centering her being around me.  When I tried to cut the chord she spoke of ending her life and I remember telling her I wouldn't come to her funeral or visit her grave.  2 1/2 years later a classmate of mine with the same name as mine decided to walk along a train line and left all us asking why.  True to form, I didn't go, and got a lot of flack from my classmates.  I just didn't get it...My life was shit at the time, poor, abused, and an obscure outcast that rarely fit in with the "norm".  I found comfort in my random adventures, the few people who did understand me and the thought that someday this would all make sense.

A few years ago, an artistic acquaintance of mine stepped into traffic on 94 and was struck dead by a bus coming from Mississippi.  At the time I was a rather influential person, working with him and many of his friends in the Chicago rave scene.  One in particular was his best friend and I broke my promise about suicides to stand shoulder to shoulder with him.  The sorrow that washed over my soul has seeped into my soul from those days finds various pages in my many books and hopefully doesn't pester the person I was trying to protect from it most.

Ghosts!  I see the living dead, I communicate with people who have never lived a real day in their life and tinker on in a meaningless existence.  Far from happiness and only attracting more sorrow into their spheres of influence.  Still though, they are better to those stinging memories of all those that dove off the brink, and never looked back.  They are better if for the only fact that tomorrow is a new day and maybe that little light inside of them they thought extinguished will burst into action.  Haunted no more of all the could have been bullshit that keeps us in the past and free from the could be's that will distract us from enjoying the present.

So yeah, really, I don't judge these days...
...If you are going to do it, I'll miss you, and ya know what maybe I will make it to your service.  Most importantly I'll watch you re-manifest through out my experience and wish you to be at peace.  Much like I do daily, I love you, I adore you, and am nothing without the brilliant reflection you bring to my dream.

Please leave comments about your own experiences with suicide
Please pass this onto anyone just a little to depressed for their own good

No comments:

Post a Comment