Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Rest In Peace

I write these words with a heavy heart, numb, and all around exhausted. I'm going to write these words to you but oddly enough post them for everyone to see. I tried sitting down and writing to you yesterday, I was still in a lot of shock, and crying on the hour. Today, has been a little bit easier though, and I begin to rationalize a lot of stuff.

You were a bright young soul, coming into your own, and I enjoyed it most when you spoke your mind. You were rigid and definitely to smart for your own good. For everyones good and I thank you for that. I thank you for the hands I now see so many people wear across their chest, I thank you for believing in my ideas, and sharing your own. I thank you for so much and forgive you for leaving us so soon.

I saw it you know, that stare, the way you'd look off into the abyss, and just obsess over your problems. I tried to make light of them, offer solutions, and help you come to grips with the suffering that can be life. These past 48 hours I've beat myself up a lot for not doing a better job. I've beat myself up for our final moments together and find myself wanting nothing more then to have you back in all our lives.

Watching you dance on that dirt road at UGS this past August was an amazing site to see. You once were a wallflower at parties and that night I saw you blossom into something major. Such high hopes, in all of our eyes, everyone voting one by one who had made the largest impact that weekend, and I was pleased when you got the flag. It was nice knowing that you'd have this constant reminder around you that there was something you'd be contributing to our dance and that your journey was off to a great start.

A few days before you left us, you brought me all the photos you'd gathered since you became a fixture in my life. I've looked through them a lot these past two days and haven't decided what to do with them yet. I know I'll come up with something good and hope that you'll be proud. You saw things in a special way through that camera. Thanks for taking the time to come out and snap photos of my old stomping ground with me. Those stories I told you about me growing up, the struggles, continually searching for identity, and eventually finding it in dance...those were true. Few people know them, I shared them with you because I LOVED YOU!

I'm sorry if I lost faith in these passing weeks. I was definitely hurt that you sought out my help, that we bonded that morning while everyone slept, and then you did the opposite. Makes me feel like I failed you when you needed me most but I talk to everyone...seems to be how we're all feeling. The pain of losing a loved one is never easy and losing you friend, has been surrounded by so much mystery.

Life to me is the culmination of energy, the coming together of all this randomness and the building of substance. Death is the dispersal of that energy and the restarting of a beautiful cycle. I looked out my window today and saw you among the leaves on the ground. The oranges, the reds, and I even saw you up in those clouds you love so much. I saw you in my little brother as I stopped by to talk with my mother and I think I even caught a glimpse of you in my rear view mirror as I straighten my hat. What I'm trying to say is...

...Your not gone. The physical has been taken from us before we'd like it to be, this makes the heart heavy, and my eyes puffy. However, you are wherever I want you to be, and in time I'll come to make sense of this tragedy. I hope your soul is at peace! I wish I could have done more for you while we shared space on this crazy blue marble. I'm glad our paths crossed and I'm sorry we didn't have more time.

I love you friend...sleep well

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